Facts and Thoughts

This has probably been one of the biggest things in my whole relationship that I forgot to inform you guys. My bad. I honestly don’t know how I forgot to say this.

My sailor and I… We are long distance. We met online if you read before. So, we have known each other for about a year and a half now. We’ve been dating for almost a year. This whole blog is going to be a bunch of memories and etc. With this fact in mind, we have not met each other, as of this post. A year of becoming beyond emotional attached to this man and holding on and never giving up hope. I love him.

Damn, is it hard. Not knowing when I might hear from him again. I know that’s pretty common anyways with military relationships, but this is a different kind of roughness. I am not lessening any problems or difficulties of other relationships, this is my story and view of things.

People are always asking “Is it hard?” or “Don’t you miss him?”. I have a really bad habit of being sarcastic when I shouldn’t be. I give a tight smile and nod slightly and try to not keep eye contact. Who wouldn’t miss the person they love? Who would say it’s easy to be so far away from the person who stole your heart? I can’t come up with any names. I can’t even fathom someone like that could exist. If this person does, come here and teach me your ways. Please.

“It’s not a real relationship if you can’t be physical” is another common thing I hear. I don’t know how to explain how much this hurts to hear. More than anything, it makes me feel isolated. I used to be so angry and full of resentment towards these people, but I have to remember they don’t understand this life. It took a while to completely accept this reality. I can’t be angry with people who don’t understand. It isn’t right on my part. I know that friends of mine whom I rant to about such things, they get angry on my behalf. While it makes me feel good to know that somehow who doesn’t understand is still willing to stand up for me and my relationship, I can’t ask them to act on it.

“You can’t miss someone who you haven’t met before” is the worse one. My heart, my soul feels broken slightly every time I hear it. I know in a way this is true, but they don’t know us. I believe you can miss everyone and anyone. I never met Robin Williams and miss him dearly. This honestly came up in a fight one day with my guy. It was the first time I heard him cry, the only time he did. My heart broke hearing him in so much pain. I remember screaming on the phone this saying I’ve heard so many times. He was begging me to never say it again, that he missed me every day. He was sobbing and in honesty, we ended up crying together for another half hour trying to gather ourselves. It took a while as hearing each other like that was the most painful thing we have been through in our young lives. In honesty, I am getting teary eyed just thinking about it. I remember his pain. I hate when he hurts. I hate when he’s had a long day and is grumpy. I hate when shit on the ship is dramatic. I hate when things go wrong. But I love him and put some stuff aside for him.

My mama is a smart woman, I think I’ve said this before. She always talked about popular men in society and women’s role in that guy’s success. “Every strong man has an even stronger woman behind him”. I always think about that when crap gets rough for me. I know that some people would say this is sexist, my bad, but we all do certain stuff to make ourselves feel better. If you say you don’t, I’m not going to believe you. I am not your judge, that’s for you to decide.

Being far away from him is hard. Going to sleep, knowing that he isn’t next to me is hard. I know that I haven’t slept next to him before, but still, it’s a nice dream. Waking up in the morning, him brushing aside my hair, saying good morning and running off to work again for another day. I know that sounds so mundane, but it is a heavenly dream to me. I literally dream about it. Sappy and corny, I know, but it’s my dream nonetheless.

I love him.


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