Personal Complication

Totally done talking about him for a moment: I am epileptic. I am absolutely blessed with the curse of having seizures. I was diagnosed when I was eight and lost hope of being “cured” a while ago. My family is always pushing that it will get better, and some days it seems like it is, but then it gets bad again. I have been on countless medications and numerous testing that only the Lord knows how much that cost my mother over the years or insurance. Got to love insurance when they “actually” help you out. Sorry, I feel salty about some recent crap dealing with my insurance company- turds. So being 19 now I am quite used to being told what I can and cannot do due to this illness. Also being me, stubborn *cough*, I don’t always listen. Let me back up and write ya’ll a list of what I’m not supposed to do as a result of this bullshit:

  1. Nothing to do with heights. It makes perfect sense. Don’t want to have a seizure and fall to my death, probably wouldn’t be pretty. I ignore that often and go cliff jumping in the summer or other extremely dangerous things my doctor would probably kill me over. Thanks, doc.
  2. Not supposed to swim alone or take baths unattended. I have no issue doing either. I hate baths for the pure fact that I would be sitting in my own dirty whatever and that kinda grosses me out. I am not a germ freak- sorry to those who are, not trying to be mean- but it’s gross to me. Swimming alone. I am a social butterfly and love doing things with people, so this would never be a problem for me either. I have fun swimming with people and I get bored too easily if I’m swimming alone. Maybe that sounds bad on my part, but oh well, this is my blog and I am being brutally honest with the whole deal.
  3. Driving is a big no-no. FUCK MY LIFE!!!! I am smart enough to not test this one. I know that it could turn out bad and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I wouldn’t think of being that selfish. Am I selfish? Hell yea, but not to that level. That’s just wrong. I do, however, work with horses as often as I can. I am not sure if that is considered “driving”, but I am directing a huge freaking animal around. I’m guessing the doc would say its a 50/50 thing. Still not going to stop and probably not even bring it up with him.
  4. Honestly… Those are the only ones I remember. They are the only ones that really play a part in my life directly when I actually listen.

But yeah, having this crap my whole life kinda sucks and has put me back, however, I have a pretty bad habit of working around it or just plain-out ignoring it. The biggest shock to all my doctors is my trigger- Sunlight. Pure sunlight. Flashing lights don’t bother me. Neon lights are boring to my brain. Lack of sleep or a huge amount of stress doesn’t help, but I think that’s the same with life in general.

Science lesson for you. Seizures don’t always look like what you might see on tv. Hollywood is a liar. They spread the bullshit. I honestly don’t know all the different kinds, but mine, in particular, are called petite mal. Pretty much it looks like I’m fluttering my eyelids and some people think I’m rolling my eyes and giving attitude. I have plenty of attitude to give, but that’s usually not when I do. That’s what it looks like from other people’s point of view or so I’m told. For me, I just go blind for a few minutes. They happen in clusters and it all just goes black. I don’t shake and fall to the ground. I do take medication morning and night and it really sucks having to depend on it to live a semi-normal life. Got to do what you got to do. Not always the most fun thing in the world, but sometimes the most necessary.

Okay, back to talking about him. Gosh, I’m sorry for sounding totally clingy, but this is also about being his girl. A military girl. Correction, I’m not sorry at all. I love that dork of a man and wouldn’t mind bragging or whatever about him. When I told him I had epilepsy, he flipped shit and asked a million questions and told me to not do anything dangerous. This honestly pissed me off because I want to live my life and he knows this. He finally got used to the idea and it’s never been a problem between us. Wasn’t in the first place. It did hurt a little that he acted overprotective in a way, I took it as he saw me as broken. I know he doesn’t, but that’s how I’ve been seen for so long, that’s what popped into mind first thing. My bad for assuming. I love that he wants to take care of me. He’s a good man.

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