I am numb.
I don’t know what I was expecting to feel. Sad? Angry? Crazy? All the above?
I’m not sure what to say about it. On here or in person to people who notice my silence. What is an SO supposed to say? A few words that in a different context would mean nothing, but in my situation means everything.
So, why the silence?
Day one of deployment.
When I talked to other SO’s in the past while their people were deployed they all had different reactions. Happy so they didn’t have to pick up their husband’s dirty socks all the time. Sad that their rock wouldn’t be home at the end of the day. Angry that the military took them. Lost at not knowing what to do. I guess that’s what I am. I’m lost right now.
Part of what makes it so weird for me to feel numb is that I don’t remember the last time I did feel numb. I’m always so emotional, so passionate about something. Even my boredom is passionate. It feels kinda wrong to feel numb. I mean, last night sucked pretty bad. I couldn’t sleep. Not because I was crying and calling out his name, no, not hollywood style. I just thought about him. His smile, his laugh, the simple way he would make a joke and I wondered when would be the next time I heard it. It sucks to answer that question already with it being “I don’t know”.