Let me tell you about one of the worse parts… Well, on my side, being the girl of, wanting my man and all. Underway suck balls. Majorly sucks. Underway is when they take out the ship for an extended amount of time as a training for deployment. Kinda like a scrimmage before a football game. Difference? Sometimes these underways can last for about two months, more or less. It sucks! And the actual game can last for around a year, more or less. Screw my life. Limited communication usually through email only. I’m lucky to get one every two days. Phone calls? Out of the five months worth of underways we’ve been through, I’ve gotten one. The crappy part is the cost of those calls. For half an hour, it was about $60. I didn’t know at first until a wife told me. My sailor didn’t tell me, he knows I worry about money. I know what his bank account looks like and I have anxiety like crazy. I know he’s smart with money and I have no reason to worry, but my brain automatically does it.
If you caught from the paragraph above, five months of our eleven-month relationship have been him on the water training for fucking deployment. I try to not think about it. Deployment. I try not thinking about the fact that the military is constantly taking him away. I can’t blame or hate him or the military as this is the life he choose. That is the worse thing an SO can do. Resent their partner for their life choice. I can’t imagine the mental part or emotional part of what he has to go through. He doesn’t talk about it a lot, always wants to be the strong rock. I let him be because I know it makes him happy, but I push often that it’s okay that he’s not always. That it’s okay that he can be not okay with me, I’m not going to tell anyone. It’s okay to not be okay. He’s gotten a lot better about it. He tends to rant more about stuff now. At first, I used to think it was kinda funny because I thought it was fake. I didn’t realize he was being “not okay”, that he was opening up more to me. He has always been really reserved. It’s always pissed me off and I slowly (at first) worked at forcing him to open up to me. Now, when he rants, honestly? I fall a little more in love with him. I love that he feels okay with talking to me about this stuff. I know he doesn’t even talk to his mother about it. I don’t tell her. I know it’s not my place.
Dang, that took a detour. My bad. But of all the veterans and other SOs I’ve talked to, to not resent his choice has been the biggest demand of this life. It was the hardest thing to do at first. I had to learn quickly. I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut when I did resent it at first.
Let me tell you about the first underway. It was bad….. Really bad. It was during that underway that I realized that I loved him. It was a few months into our relationship. I didn’t know he was leaving, brat didn’t tell me he was leaving. I have had ex’s that had just disappeared, coming back only to tell me that they cheated and found someone that would actually sleep with them (I’m a virgin and want to stay that way until marriage). I thought it was happening all over again. I thought he disappeared and found another girl, maybe not to sleep with as he didn’t seem like the guy to go sleeping around or to cheat, but I wasn’t thinking. At first, I assumed he lost his phone for the day and then the next day he just had to work overnight. I knew it couldn’t happen for a third day, but by the second day I was already freaking out. Day three, going home from work and I had been crying before work and during my breaks and my friend was taking me to a family member’s house. I broke down in her car. I. Broke. Down. I had never felt so emotionally attached to someone before and felt torn in half at not knowing where he was. I felt abandoned and pathetic for crying over a guy. My mom always told me to never cry over a guy. Never let a guy hurt me bad enough to bring tears to my eyes. I normally would be hurt for a little bit and then get over it and have no more issue. Why was this different? My friend had never seen me cry. I am the happy, out-going type that seems to never have a reason to cry. She did not know what to do and since I was such a mess, she suggested bringing me to the hospital. NO WAY. First, I didn’t have insurance. Second, I was not about to do that over some guy. Nope. Not worth it.
It was day five, a weekend and I get a call from an unknown number. Usually I never answer them, but because I have been a mess as of late, I don’t think and just pick it up. I hear his voice. It’s different. It sounds cold. I step out of the room and listen as he explained it was his first underway. I was still frustrated as hell with him and screamed my head off at him. I needed to know if he was leaving. I needed to know something. I needed to have some sense of security with instability.
As of now…. As a military SO, you have to get comfortable with the uncomfortableness (for all you who love grammar and are Nazis, I am making this a word) of instability of what the military slaps you with. It’s the only way to survive. No other way. You have to rely on hope and faith. Hope that everything will be okay. You have to trust it. You have to trust the things that might make you cry at night or want to rip your hair out. But you have to trust it. I hate his job, with a burning passion. I know it’s not safe. But I trust that he knows what he’s doing. He loves his job and I have to trust that.
An older veteran once told me that the worse thing I could do for my sailor is to resent his choice in joining the military. Thinking at the time, I thought it was dumb, that I would never do it. To be honest, I did. I was lucky enough to have someone point it out to me before it took hold and ruin things. I got over it real quick. I love my man and will do whatever it takes. However much it may suck and it sucks major balls. The military sucks.
To add the disclaimer again: This is a blog of ranting and other random crap that comes to my mind. If you don’t like it, sorry for your lack of amusement. Hope you find something to make you smile. Smiling is good for your health.