What Now?

So, I’m a Christian as is my sailor, but we didn’t keep one of the big things we needed to as our religion asks of us.

I gave my purity ring to him to throw in the ocean. He promised to do that for me at my request for what we had done and I do not regret being with him. I do not regret making love to him at all. I do not regret putting this out to the world because everyone does it and it isn’t something to be ashamed about. I love him and we showed that to each other in a physical way.

I gave him my purity ring and cried though. I felt I had broken a very important promise to my God and felt guilty only in that sense. I would never regret being with my sailor. He was my first and I was his first. He held me, asking what was wrong, listening as I told him I felt we had broken a promise but not feeling bad. He stroked my hair and listened, promising to throw the ring in the ocean. I also told him I was scared that he wouldn’t want to be my forever person. I had always wanted to give my virginity to my husband, my forever person as my religion had always told me was right. I told him I was scared he wouldn’t want that and I would understand people change, but that in the future he would change his mind. I did not mean to bring it up as to talk about marriage then, just to talk about the fear.

I had gotten sick. He took care of me. When I was done throwing up, he was quiet and looking at me, sitting on the bathroom counter. “I will have shore duty in a few years, assuming I sign again and I want to marry then”, he said calmly as if it were a fact he had been thinking for a while.

It was nice to hear and then he deployed.

As time passed from when he stepped on the plane to leave me, it has been eating me alive. Had I pressured him to say something? I really didn’t know and I was scared to ask.

I emailed him, now two and a half months into deployment, telling him I couldn’t Do what we once talked about when I was sick. I didn’t explain, but he knew what I was talking about. I left it simple and didn’t want to explain. I told him I want to stay with him but not go any further than what we were. I used to want to marry him someday when we were a little older, but not after feeling I had maybe pressured him. It was eating at me.

He emailed me back quickly, frantic, asking what changed and if we were breaking up and tell him what was wrong. I did not know how to word what I wanted to say so I didn’t say anything and I know I was wrong for that.

He spent over $200 on a phone card to call me.

“You can’t beat around the bush, that is not what our relationship is going to be. If there is a problem tell me directly so we can fix it as fast as possible and then go about life as happy as possible, do you understand me?”-Him

“Telling your boyfriend you don’t want to marry them isn’t something you write in a fucking email and I didn’t know how much privacy you had and doubted you wanted other sailors to see my saying that!”- Me

“I don’t give a shit what they think about our relationship. It’s ours not theirs. And as of not wanting to get married, that’s fine for now. We will work on that. I want you to continue to think we won’t because I can tell what it’s doing to you and stop feeling guilty, I hear it in your voice”-Him

 

“For now”…. He is determined to marry me, that much is clear. It makes me feel much better about the whole thing, but I still haven’t changed my mind. I don’t want to get married and don’t plan on changing my mind. He is patient and is smart and I trust he will work on it with me.

I guess I’m engaged. I’m not engaged. He thinks we will get married. We won’t, but he swears we will.

Battle of wits. Battle of the sexes.

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