So, in my last post, I had said that I was busy with school and work. Lord is that true. Beyond true and TRUST ME I will tell you about it. I love talking. If my followers and random clickers didn’t catch on.
Recently, I had admitted myself to an inpatient hospital. I am now diagnosed with depression and anxiety (both clinical). I am now on what is called an SSRI, known as Prozac to many people. I have been dealing with anxiety for my whole life, it seems, but I didn’t think it was this bad.
Panicking at work over the smallest mistake, dwelling on it hours after it had happened or even after I had clocked out. Replaying the work day to see what I could’ve done better and cursing myself for not doing it in the first place.
School was a whole other level of darkness for me. School is a passion. The thing I live for and know I need for my goal, but… I struggled to believe I was smart enough. Good enough. I struggled to believe I would be accepted into a nursing program. I struggled to believe I would ever get the degree I’ve wanted since I was 13.
I know bringing this up in a relationship blog would probably invoke the question of if he brought on some of the anxiety of stress too. He had asked too.
It’s not him. It could never be him. It’s the hard hits of loneliness that I have talked about before that add to the struggle. I hate to tell him that, but I know he relates to a point.
I hated going to the hospital. It felt like a defeat in itself. I kept thinking I should be strong enough to handle my own shit. But I couldn’t anymore. I needed help. Whatever it took, I needed help.
I wanted to write about my mental illness because it is sometimes seen as a taboo in society. BUT in my world, the SO’s world… it’s unspoken torture we help each other with or just by ourselves. The pressure to be seen as strong, patient women (or men) makes it hard to talk about the already estranged topic.
If you need help or want to talk to someone, the site I suggest it called seven cups of tea.
A very good site to talk to a random person. No one has to know you, you can be anonymous if you want. It is super helpful. If you need further help, there are therapists on there as well.