A Test Given

A patient came in asking about my navy necklace. I told them I was in love with a sailor and waiting for him to come home from deployment. He was about 35 ish and gave me a grin that women closer to his age would start to melt. I laughed and pointed at him, telling him I was taken and saw what he was doing. He gave me his ID that I need to sell him something, a military ID. He knew what he was looking for. He wanted to see if I was tempted to be unfaithful and I openly and even rudely laughed in his face. I could’ve gotten in trouble and he knew this too. He shook my hand and said thank you for being faithful to my brother who’s fighting. He went ahead and mocked his past actions and kissed my hand. I didn’t bother doing anything but rolling my eyes and laughing. He knew I wasn’t interested. He walked away and I smiled at the gesture and thought that he was happy by my faithfulness to my man. He didn’t know me. He grinned over his shoulder at me. I waved, shaking my head.

Closing the pharmacy, I rubbed the back of my neck and a younger man came up to me asking about pain relievers. I was tired and off the clock, but it was my job to help. I walked him back to the aisle. He smiled at me, most girls would fawn and blush but I pointed and told the man which was the most popular. He turned and started flirting with me. It was subtle but all girls would feel it and notice… he was smooth and he knew it. I excused myself, telling him I had shopping to do. He smiled, pullin out his wallet and showed me his ID. Military. He grinned wider, shook my hand and walked away towards the door.

i shrugged it off, having worked a fourteen hour shift and not giving a damn about anything but getting home and sleeping after a late dinner. I reached to the top shelf to grab something, knowing it was probably going to fall. A hand rested on my back, where my bare skin had shown. I turned and backed away, wide awake. A tall, dark man I would have to admit was fairly good looking handed me item, giving me a sinful smile. I felt naked and uncomfortable. He rested his hand down my arm and looked into my eyes. This was too much. I backed away from him. I looked at him and shook my head. I started to yell at him “I am taken don’t -“ he nodded, putting his hand out. The man from the medicine aisle came around the corner. The man I had helped and looked about 35 came around the corner. I looked at all of them and shook my head. I said “don’t touch me or I’ll scream”.

The man reached out his hand to me. I did not take his hand, I don’t care if he kissed it earlier. I felt like a target…. this man planned this and I didn’t feel like playing anymore. He said “we wanted to test how loyal you were to your sailor. I got two of the most attractive men I know that easily get women in their bed and wanted to test it. I knew you would pass, but I had a gift that I wanted to make sure you deserved since you love one of our own. You are under financial request within us three men can do for you, starting with your groceries.” The men pulled out their cards of who they were and their ranks were impressive. I had gained favor of military commanders for being loyal, for being rude and mean to prove my loyalty….. the other two men took my groceries and my list and left me with the older man.

I wish this were a dream, but I have three new contacts in my phone. I feel somewhat uncomfortable having them, my man thinks it’s amazing of how everything happened-that it’s funny. He knows I worry about money a lot even when I don’t need to. He’s pushed me to call the men everytime I go shopping. My bank account has grown in the last two weeks like crazy and I’m not sure what to do…..

Be loyal!!!!!

Not My Place

Death was our first big conversation if you remember or had read my other posts… well, it will be coming up again soon and I am terrified. His great grandma is so close to deaths door and I don’t know what I am supposed to do. As his girl, I know I am here to help him through this and support his family, but it is a hard thing to do. He’s deployed in a completely different part of the world and his family is in a different state. I’m not sure what all my words can do to comfort. I feel that they will mean close to nothing. I love his family and know how crushing this will be. I hate watching already what it does to his mother, I am super close to her. He does not yet how close she is to passing and I am terrified for when he finds out. I want to call the chaplain after it happens to make sure they check up on him, but I don’t want to give him unwanted attention.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I’ve never been in this position before.

His mom updates me often on his great grandmas health and I can tell it is right around the corner if not today. His mom seems so strong, but I can tell she is scared and fights tears a lot. Her husband is really supportive for which I am grateful. Her husband is a good man, but I wish I were there for the family too.

My sailor should know what’s going on completely with his great grandma…. but it’s not my place.

In Port

Depoyment, oh deployment.

Hurry up and wait can kiss my pearly white ass. Im tired of waiting but I love the man and will gladly do it for him. He has been working so hard and I am so proud of him. I also miss him it hurts deep in my gut.

i have been lucky to get emails daily and be able to stay in contact with his family. It makes me feel closer to him. Like the other day, I spent two hours on the phone with his mom until one am my time until she’s almost passed out. She is such a sweet woman.

Hes been in port twice now of being on deployment and he’s having a good time with deployment. Except people aren’t doing some of their working and he’s picking up their slack. He’s feeling some pressure and in all honesty, I’m not always sure how to help comfort him. There’s only so many ways you can say “you’re doing a good job and I’m proud of you and I’m sure it’ll get better and etc”…. I don’t know much else to say. I know the phone calls and care packages and being in port really brighten his spirits. I’m glad they come close together for him. Makes me sad for other sailors who may not have packages or letters. I wouldn’t know. I’ve asked my sailor for monthly lists of small things that sailors that don’t get things would like from Home so that would get things. I might as well try.

For the first time in months, I got to see him. It was but for a few seconds, but it was long enough for him to say he loved me. It made me so happy. He’s in port and his hair just cut and he still needs to shave, but he’s still handsome.

I love him!!!!



What Now?

So, I’m a Christian as is my sailor, but we didn’t keep one of the big things we needed to as our religion asks of us.

I gave my purity ring to him to throw in the ocean. He promised to do that for me at my request for what we had done and I do not regret being with him. I do not regret making love to him at all. I do not regret putting this out to the world because everyone does it and it isn’t something to be ashamed about. I love him and we showed that to each other in a physical way.

I gave him my purity ring and cried though. I felt I had broken a very important promise to my God and felt guilty only in that sense. I would never regret being with my sailor. He was my first and I was his first. He held me, asking what was wrong, listening as I told him I felt we had broken a promise but not feeling bad. He stroked my hair and listened, promising to throw the ring in the ocean. I also told him I was scared that he wouldn’t want to be my forever person. I had always wanted to give my virginity to my husband, my forever person as my religion had always told me was right. I told him I was scared he wouldn’t want that and I would understand people change, but that in the future he would change his mind. I did not mean to bring it up as to talk about marriage then, just to talk about the fear.

I had gotten sick. He took care of me. When I was done throwing up, he was quiet and looking at me, sitting on the bathroom counter. “I will have shore duty in a few years, assuming I sign again and I want to marry then”, he said calmly as if it were a fact he had been thinking for a while.

It was nice to hear and then he deployed.

As time passed from when he stepped on the plane to leave me, it has been eating me alive. Had I pressured him to say something? I really didn’t know and I was scared to ask.

I emailed him, now two and a half months into deployment, telling him I couldn’t Do what we once talked about when I was sick. I didn’t explain, but he knew what I was talking about. I left it simple and didn’t want to explain. I told him I want to stay with him but not go any further than what we were. I used to want to marry him someday when we were a little older, but not after feeling I had maybe pressured him. It was eating at me.

He emailed me back quickly, frantic, asking what changed and if we were breaking up and tell him what was wrong. I did not know how to word what I wanted to say so I didn’t say anything and I know I was wrong for that.

He spent over $200 on a phone card to call me.

“You can’t beat around the bush, that is not what our relationship is going to be. If there is a problem tell me directly so we can fix it as fast as possible and then go about life as happy as possible, do you understand me?”-Him

“Telling your boyfriend you don’t want to marry them isn’t something you write in a fucking email and I didn’t know how much privacy you had and doubted you wanted other sailors to see my saying that!”- Me

“I don’t give a shit what they think about our relationship. It’s ours not theirs. And as of not wanting to get married, that’s fine for now. We will work on that. I want you to continue to think we won’t because I can tell what it’s doing to you and stop feeling guilty, I hear it in your voice”-Him


“For now”…. He is determined to marry me, that much is clear. It makes me feel much better about the whole thing, but I still haven’t changed my mind. I don’t want to get married and don’t plan on changing my mind. He is patient and is smart and I trust he will work on it with me.

I guess I’m engaged. I’m not engaged. He thinks we will get married. We won’t, but he swears we will.

Battle of wits. Battle of the sexes.

Maybe Next Time

Well, so far, deployment is going okay. My anxiety with life is high and I don’t know what I’m always going to do. I’ve been staying and that helps a lot. Writing this and reading a  lot of books and working more shifts definitely keeps me so busy that I’m sometimes too tired to be worried about anything. I know this also isn’t a good thing though. It will probably end up with me burning out sooner or later. But after doing this for about a month so far, I haven’t. I think I’m doing better. I feel better. I feel like I’m managing my emotions and etc much better.

But the thing that made my weekend was when he pulled into port and I got a text and picture of him smiling so big at me. I hadn’t seen his smile in a new picture in months. I woke up to that and I honestly squealed and just looked. This made my heart race. A schoolgirl all over again.

We texted until four in the morning (my time) and just talked about random things. Things about the past. About when he visited. About what we would have to do together in the future. About our families. About work on both ends. About a lot. This made me happy, I am happy.

Until I woke up one day three that I thought he would be able to talk.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I had to leave. I’m sorry we didn’t talk more. I’m sorry that we didn’t get the chance to video chat. I’m sorry that I had to leave you. I promise I’ll come home to you. I’m sorry. I love you. I’m sorry.”

Waking up to that both made my heart grow for the man and broke it at the same time. I know he would come to me. I know he didn’t like leaving for the job, I didn’t like it either, but I had learned to quietly gain the strength to push past that.

Going in to work today, I fought to stay numb until I could really smile. I fought to stay numb until I had a conversation that had me distracted enough to not think about it. I am grateful for the time I had to talk with him while he was in port. I am grateful that I got new pictures.

I am also greedy and want him more than I got.

Until next time.

Yes, next time.


Hell Yes

I am finished!

I’m done. Here I am summer. I am good to go.

I am sitting here, waiting to have the weather be good enough to go swimming. I am a mermaid. I can not wait. I have a two piece for the first time in my life and I feel comfortable wearing it in public. It’s a black halter top and hot pink shorts. I have to admit that I feel absolutely sexy in them. I don’t wear them to get other guys attention, I couldn’t care less. I wear it because I deserve to feel sexy whenever the hell I want. I deserve it everyday.

Sorry, I feel beyond successful today. I finished another year of schooling and this is something I should be proud of. I am one more day closer to working in the hospital.

I had a dream about it the other day. I was in the emergency room, a guy bleeding pretty bad and I stopped it. We almost lost him, but we all saved him. I woke up, my chest beating so hard, but I was excited. I watch so medical shows. I watch surgeries while I cook or listen to medical lectures while I clean.

I went to the public city library today and sat on the floor with books around me. I was in heaven. So many books! Heaven! All I could think was that I hoped this was how I could get in the hospital quickest. I want it so bad.

I finished another year.

I can’t wait to tell him when I get home. I’m going to ask for him to call me. I hope he will. I really hope. I’ll be praying. I miss his voice.

Our Real World

Work was really good today. I had fun. My coworkers and I got a lot of work done today and may have been able to nick some stuff off of tomorrows work. We all worked with awesome, classic rock music. We all didn’t mind humming along and still running around to get the job done. We made phone calls and took care of our customers. We did really good today.

The store gave all the workers free food. I took some and had to leave to go back to work. I am not allowed to eat on the floor but wanted that cookie. A vendor nearby had the same color shirt I was wearing and I walked up next to him. I asked plain and simple if I could use him to hide from the store owners. He laughed and was my watch out. I had never seen the guy before and wasn’t near him for more than three minutes. He did a good job, I finished my cookie without getting in trouble.

It was a good day.

Went shopping for the coming week, ya know. Got some breakfast food. I got some bacon! I got random things. Got ready to go catch the bus to go home. Got on. I was warm. No one talked to me. I had all my things gathered and I was ready to go.

But the bus wasn’t moving. Something was wrong.

A guy a seat ahead of me and the other side was rummaging through his bag and a girl behind me was crying, her hand covering her mouth. I honestly didn’t get what was going on at first. The bus driver didn’t get out from behind his bullet-proof door attached to his seat and then used the intercom.

“Weapons are illegal on this form of transportation. You need to get off or the police will be here to escort you off.”

Seeing the flash of the handgun into his bag as he started screaming, I thought of all the things I wouldn’t get to do with my family. How I didn’t get the chance to tell them I loved them an hour ago. How I didn’t get to really go swimming this summer and get a stupid sunburn because I stupidly didn’t put enough sunscreen on. I thought about my boyfriend. He writes me an email almost every day and expects one back. I wouldn’t be able to and he would probably hear from his mother. I thought about his mom and how close we have gotten.

In the past week, there have been five more shootings. I didn’t want to be apart of those numbers. Please God, don’t make me that number. I started praying, tears rolling down my face. I don’t want to die.

The fight continued until the man got off.

I made it home and I am safe. All of this happened and the thing taught me something very sad. My boyfriend is out there, somewhere only God knows, to save us from the bad guys. YET we have no regrets being the bad guys to each other. This scares me almost more than knowing what my sailor does.

I was once told by a shipmate of my man’s…. “we are safer being deployed than you are as a civilian on the streets these days”. I brushed it off until today.