Outside the usual issue

I have a sister. I love her, but our past is rough.

It’s come to my attention that she has a new man while not being on birth control and this makes me want to shit myself. I had to off-handedly raise my mentally ill mother and sister after we (my sister and myself) were sexually abused as children. My sister never stepped out to try and pull herself together after this ordeal. Going to court trails for years made me into a different person.

My sister used it as an excuse to give up and to justify her bad and negative behavior.

Back to the thought…. If my sister gets pregnant….

That child won’t be safe or well in whatever “home” my sister 50/50 tries to give it.

 

I have decided that if she gets pregnant, I will be going to court for custody. I will not let that child be hurt the way my sister hurt me (physically and emotional). I want to give that kid better than the small social security check. I can provide with the job I have that she’s never had. I want the best for this child. I pray to God that she is infertile. I wish no harm to my sister, I just can’t wish her something that will cause another human being to be hurt either.

I haven’t brought this up with my sailor. From our former and recent conversations, he wants to wait til after my degree for kids. I get that, but I won’t let that kid be harmed. I’ll do it by myself (with the help of other family) if I have to.

 

 

Only More Confusion

In the bathroom, when he was with me…. He seemed hesitate at first to tell me he wanted to marry me in the future. As he continued to talk, he got excited and even had the look of a child in a candy shop. The famous comparison of happiness and awe. It was mutual that we wanted and needed to wait. This was our future and something not to just toss the dice at, for our thoughts at least. Maybe we are crazy or paranoid. I don’t know. I think it’s rather smart. Wanting to wait until I have my degree and him wanting to wait until…. whatever he has in mind. I don’t think he’s made up his mind yet. He’s already signed the extension. I know in his heart he wants to make a career out of the Navy and I support him. I know this is what he wants, but I think he is now uncertain because I am now a part of the equation. I love him, but he’s dumb sometimes.

 

I wish I knew what happened to the candy shop love of marriage. Or the thought of it, at least. My only theory is that he has set off again on the second part of the deployment today and/or other people’s conversations may be influencing the thoughts. I wish I knew.

“It’s not going to change anything. It’s just a piece of paper. It’s only legal and about money.”

He never once brought up the issue or thoughts of money. It was never spoken. My reasoning behind wanting to wait is two simple reason. One, I want to be with my husband as much as possible and in the same state. Two, I want my degree through non martial finical aid and then being able to help support us. I was already thinking of this but refused to speak on it. His 27k a year (which he doesn’t know I know) and my part time 10k a year would be hard to live off of in a new house and a new car. He has dreams of all these things and no thinking of starting small. Dumbass. So, having a degree would make it a little easier.

 

After waiting and crying for many many nights and struggle to focus in school. Lord help me. I got my answers. And let me start with they are dumb.

He wants to be able to provide for me, wants to be able to support us in a legal way.

He wants to give me a big house with a yard that could hold the two dogs I beg him for our future. And that would accommodate the children we’ve been talking about as a possibility.

He wants to give me materialistic happiness.

I am happy with a studio as long as I get to be with him and get my job. Preferably get my dog or two. Children will come and he needs to stop worrying if the Navy will take away from our life. It won’t. I’ve already thought of all this.

Videos and pictures. I watch all his videos when I’m down or miss him until I feel better and can keep going. When we have children, we can make videos like that. We can have pictures meant for certain things. I’ve thought of these things. I know how to make this work. I wish he would trust me a little more.

 

I already have my maid of honor since I was 14. My cousin has already started her speech and I want her to give me away. We have a family wedding gown… I’ve already tried it on and only my cousin has seen me in it. Maybe I’m biased, but I look great in it.

I am ready to be with him forever. I love him.

 

A Test Given

A patient came in asking about my navy necklace. I told them I was in love with a sailor and waiting for him to come home from deployment. He was about 35 ish and gave me a grin that women closer to his age would start to melt. I laughed and pointed at him, telling him I was taken and saw what he was doing. He gave me his ID that I need to sell him something, a military ID. He knew what he was looking for. He wanted to see if I was tempted to be unfaithful and I openly and even rudely laughed in his face. I could’ve gotten in trouble and he knew this too. He shook my hand and said thank you for being faithful to my brother who’s fighting. He went ahead and mocked his past actions and kissed my hand. I didn’t bother doing anything but rolling my eyes and laughing. He knew I wasn’t interested. He walked away and I smiled at the gesture and thought that he was happy by my faithfulness to my man. He didn’t know me. He grinned over his shoulder at me. I waved, shaking my head.

Closing the pharmacy, I rubbed the back of my neck and a younger man came up to me asking about pain relievers. I was tired and off the clock, but it was my job to help. I walked him back to the aisle. He smiled at me, most girls would fawn and blush but I pointed and told the man which was the most popular. He turned and started flirting with me. It was subtle but all girls would feel it and notice… he was smooth and he knew it. I excused myself, telling him I had shopping to do. He smiled, pullin out his wallet and showed me his ID. Military. He grinned wider, shook my hand and walked away towards the door.

i shrugged it off, having worked a fourteen hour shift and not giving a damn about anything but getting home and sleeping after a late dinner. I reached to the top shelf to grab something, knowing it was probably going to fall. A hand rested on my back, where my bare skin had shown. I turned and backed away, wide awake. A tall, dark man I would have to admit was fairly good looking handed me item, giving me a sinful smile. I felt naked and uncomfortable. He rested his hand down my arm and looked into my eyes. This was too much. I backed away from him. I looked at him and shook my head. I started to yell at him “I am taken don’t -“ he nodded, putting his hand out. The man from the medicine aisle came around the corner. The man I had helped and looked about 35 came around the corner. I looked at all of them and shook my head. I said “don’t touch me or I’ll scream”.

The man reached out his hand to me. I did not take his hand, I don’t care if he kissed it earlier. I felt like a target…. this man planned this and I didn’t feel like playing anymore. He said “we wanted to test how loyal you were to your sailor. I got two of the most attractive men I know that easily get women in their bed and wanted to test it. I knew you would pass, but I had a gift that I wanted to make sure you deserved since you love one of our own. You are under financial request within us three men can do for you, starting with your groceries.” The men pulled out their cards of who they were and their ranks were impressive. I had gained favor of military commanders for being loyal, for being rude and mean to prove my loyalty….. the other two men took my groceries and my list and left me with the older man.

I wish this were a dream, but I have three new contacts in my phone. I feel somewhat uncomfortable having them, my man thinks it’s amazing of how everything happened-that it’s funny. He knows I worry about money a lot even when I don’t need to. He’s pushed me to call the men everytime I go shopping. My bank account has grown in the last two weeks like crazy and I’m not sure what to do…..

Be loyal!!!!!

Not My Place

Death was our first big conversation if you remember or had read my other posts… well, it will be coming up again soon and I am terrified. His great grandma is so close to deaths door and I don’t know what I am supposed to do. As his girl, I know I am here to help him through this and support his family, but it is a hard thing to do. He’s deployed in a completely different part of the world and his family is in a different state. I’m not sure what all my words can do to comfort. I feel that they will mean close to nothing. I love his family and know how crushing this will be. I hate watching already what it does to his mother, I am super close to her. He does not yet how close she is to passing and I am terrified for when he finds out. I want to call the chaplain after it happens to make sure they check up on him, but I don’t want to give him unwanted attention.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I’ve never been in this position before.

His mom updates me often on his great grandmas health and I can tell it is right around the corner if not today. His mom seems so strong, but I can tell she is scared and fights tears a lot. Her husband is really supportive for which I am grateful. Her husband is a good man, but I wish I were there for the family too.

My sailor should know what’s going on completely with his great grandma…. but it’s not my place.

In Port

Depoyment, oh deployment.

Hurry up and wait can kiss my pearly white ass. Im tired of waiting but I love the man and will gladly do it for him. He has been working so hard and I am so proud of him. I also miss him it hurts deep in my gut.

i have been lucky to get emails daily and be able to stay in contact with his family. It makes me feel closer to him. Like the other day, I spent two hours on the phone with his mom until one am my time until she’s almost passed out. She is such a sweet woman.

Hes been in port twice now of being on deployment and he’s having a good time with deployment. Except people aren’t doing some of their working and he’s picking up their slack. He’s feeling some pressure and in all honesty, I’m not always sure how to help comfort him. There’s only so many ways you can say “you’re doing a good job and I’m proud of you and I’m sure it’ll get better and etc”…. I don’t know much else to say. I know the phone calls and care packages and being in port really brighten his spirits. I’m glad they come close together for him. Makes me sad for other sailors who may not have packages or letters. I wouldn’t know. I’ve asked my sailor for monthly lists of small things that sailors that don’t get things would like from Home so that would get things. I might as well try.

For the first time in months, I got to see him. It was but for a few seconds, but it was long enough for him to say he loved me. It made me so happy. He’s in port and his hair just cut and he still needs to shave, but he’s still handsome.

I love him!!!!

Hooyah

 

What Now?

So, I’m a Christian as is my sailor, but we didn’t keep one of the big things we needed to as our religion asks of us.

I gave my purity ring to him to throw in the ocean. He promised to do that for me at my request for what we had done and I do not regret being with him. I do not regret making love to him at all. I do not regret putting this out to the world because everyone does it and it isn’t something to be ashamed about. I love him and we showed that to each other in a physical way.

I gave him my purity ring and cried though. I felt I had broken a very important promise to my God and felt guilty only in that sense. I would never regret being with my sailor. He was my first and I was his first. He held me, asking what was wrong, listening as I told him I felt we had broken a promise but not feeling bad. He stroked my hair and listened, promising to throw the ring in the ocean. I also told him I was scared that he wouldn’t want to be my forever person. I had always wanted to give my virginity to my husband, my forever person as my religion had always told me was right. I told him I was scared he wouldn’t want that and I would understand people change, but that in the future he would change his mind. I did not mean to bring it up as to talk about marriage then, just to talk about the fear.

I had gotten sick. He took care of me. When I was done throwing up, he was quiet and looking at me, sitting on the bathroom counter. “I will have shore duty in a few years, assuming I sign again and I want to marry then”, he said calmly as if it were a fact he had been thinking for a while.

It was nice to hear and then he deployed.

As time passed from when he stepped on the plane to leave me, it has been eating me alive. Had I pressured him to say something? I really didn’t know and I was scared to ask.

I emailed him, now two and a half months into deployment, telling him I couldn’t Do what we once talked about when I was sick. I didn’t explain, but he knew what I was talking about. I left it simple and didn’t want to explain. I told him I want to stay with him but not go any further than what we were. I used to want to marry him someday when we were a little older, but not after feeling I had maybe pressured him. It was eating at me.

He emailed me back quickly, frantic, asking what changed and if we were breaking up and tell him what was wrong. I did not know how to word what I wanted to say so I didn’t say anything and I know I was wrong for that.

He spent over $200 on a phone card to call me.

“You can’t beat around the bush, that is not what our relationship is going to be. If there is a problem tell me directly so we can fix it as fast as possible and then go about life as happy as possible, do you understand me?”-Him

“Telling your boyfriend you don’t want to marry them isn’t something you write in a fucking email and I didn’t know how much privacy you had and doubted you wanted other sailors to see my saying that!”- Me

“I don’t give a shit what they think about our relationship. It’s ours not theirs. And as of not wanting to get married, that’s fine for now. We will work on that. I want you to continue to think we won’t because I can tell what it’s doing to you and stop feeling guilty, I hear it in your voice”-Him

 

“For now”…. He is determined to marry me, that much is clear. It makes me feel much better about the whole thing, but I still haven’t changed my mind. I don’t want to get married and don’t plan on changing my mind. He is patient and is smart and I trust he will work on it with me.

I guess I’m engaged. I’m not engaged. He thinks we will get married. We won’t, but he swears we will.

Battle of wits. Battle of the sexes.

Maybe Next Time

Well, so far, deployment is going okay. My anxiety with life is high and I don’t know what I’m always going to do. I’ve been staying and that helps a lot. Writing this and reading a  lot of books and working more shifts definitely keeps me so busy that I’m sometimes too tired to be worried about anything. I know this also isn’t a good thing though. It will probably end up with me burning out sooner or later. But after doing this for about a month so far, I haven’t. I think I’m doing better. I feel better. I feel like I’m managing my emotions and etc much better.

But the thing that made my weekend was when he pulled into port and I got a text and picture of him smiling so big at me. I hadn’t seen his smile in a new picture in months. I woke up to that and I honestly squealed and just looked. This made my heart race. A schoolgirl all over again.

We texted until four in the morning (my time) and just talked about random things. Things about the past. About when he visited. About what we would have to do together in the future. About our families. About work on both ends. About a lot. This made me happy, I am happy.

Until I woke up one day three that I thought he would be able to talk.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I had to leave. I’m sorry we didn’t talk more. I’m sorry that we didn’t get the chance to video chat. I’m sorry that I had to leave you. I promise I’ll come home to you. I’m sorry. I love you. I’m sorry.”

Waking up to that both made my heart grow for the man and broke it at the same time. I know he would come to me. I know he didn’t like leaving for the job, I didn’t like it either, but I had learned to quietly gain the strength to push past that.

Going in to work today, I fought to stay numb until I could really smile. I fought to stay numb until I had a conversation that had me distracted enough to not think about it. I am grateful for the time I had to talk with him while he was in port. I am grateful that I got new pictures.

I am also greedy and want him more than I got.

Until next time.

Yes, next time.