Okay, looking sideways

I have always liked to think that I am open minded and look at things pretty well from many points of views. I can easily say that at 20 years old, I don’t look at the world from a 9 year old’s view.

After a rough day at the pharmacy, my family is great about try to help me chill out or relax. This time, it was my 9yo cousin. Such a sweet, sassy little woman who wanted to paint nails. I am NOT the type who wears nail polish because I know it will stay for maybe two days and then look like trash. But…. It made her happy and I wanted to relax with my family. Nail polish it was.

She was always interested in what had happened at work with me. Asking if there were any crazy or mean people. If I had sassed my boss that day. If I had made any stupid mistakes. A small way to gossip about my day and she enjoyed it as I vented.

“How long have you been dating Amante?” (If you haven’t caught on by now, this is what I call my sailor in my blog). She had asked. I had no idea why she was interested in my relationship, but I decided to humor the conversation. A nine year old couldn’t go very far with it, I figure. 

“Two years ish.” I smile, starting our second coat of paint on our nails. I hated that she decided I would wear pink polish. I was not a pink person. I was plain and liked blue or grey.

“Why hasn’t he proposed to you yet? Is he stupid or just slow?” She asked, not smiling as if it were a joke. I could feel my mouth drop. I was completely wrong. She took it farther than I expected.

“Well, it’s just not a good time for either of us.” I try to work my way around her. I know she’s smart and am now worried she will find a way to corner me.

“Why can’t you see him more? I like him.” She looked up at me sad, leaning against the bathroom wall as we sit on the floor.

“Because he is in the military. He has a job to do with them and it’s up to them when he can go places. And I like him too.” I smile back at her.

“That sucks. It’s fifty fifty. It’s good that he’s serving our country, but bad that they won’t let him go home much. It’s stupid. Still good he’s doing his job.” She went back to painting on glitter. Her nails looked like a total mess, but to a kid, they were beautiful. I would tell her the same and then try to help her a bit.

 

Talking and listening to a 9 year old, I realized that maybe I haven’t been as grateful as I can be. As I should be. I don’t want to cut myself down and feel guilty for not so far, but it is definitely a thought I’ve bee having lately.

I love him. I love my sailor as he’s back out on underway.

Hooyah

Hey Guys, I’m back

I am so sorry for not updating and writing lately.

I have been starting a new semester and working more. I have just started getting a little more time and I’ll be able to write more.

I love coming back and seeing how many more followers I have and votes on my other posts. I really appreciate it.

 

Alright, so being a SO! Still a good life.

Today was a bit hard though. I woke up and I was wanting so much to wake up next to him. I wanted so bad to have to wake up in the middle of the night and shove him so I can have room on the bed too. I wanted so bad to wake up and his hand running through my hair, him calling me beautiful. I miss him. I crave him. I crave his love and kisses.

It was only last month that he was here on leave, but it was still too long ago. I got to have him for a whole week. The time before was only two and a half days. I am so lucky for this time. So lucky.

I want to be greedy though. I laugh at the comment in my head, but it’s true. I know a lot of other SOs can probably nod and say they understand. Followed by a heavy sigh, right? Yup, that’s how that small internal conversation goes.

He also got to meet all of my family in this city. It was… interesting as his quiet self was being questioned and being around a bunch of loud people of my blood. It was great though.

Marriage was talked again when he was here. The same night I found out he was set for another deployment. Talk about a broken heart. Being strong in this life is sometimes hard. Sometimes it’s impossible. This was one of those times it was beyond impossible. He just got home from deployment. I just got him back.

FUCK YOU NAVY!!!!

They are always taking him. It wasn’t until I had to say “See ya later” that I realized how much I hated airplanes. Not fear, hate. Absolute anger, resentment and pure hate. Airplanes were the machinery that took him from me. And maybe that’s stupid to be angry about….. But in my opinion, it’s probably better to be angry at a stupid airplane than the thing mi Amante (my lover) has vowed his life to.

But hey….

What’s love? Choosing to be with someone through all the shit and flowers.

I love him. I choose all his shit and flowers. I just prefer the flowers in his life.

Outside the usual issue

I have a sister. I love her, but our past is rough.

It’s come to my attention that she has a new man while not being on birth control and this makes me want to shit myself. I had to off-handedly raise my mentally ill mother and sister after we (my sister and myself) were sexually abused as children. My sister never stepped out to try and pull herself together after this ordeal. Going to court trails for years made me into a different person.

My sister used it as an excuse to give up and to justify her bad and negative behavior.

Back to the thought…. If my sister gets pregnant….

That child won’t be safe or well in whatever “home” my sister 50/50 tries to give it.

 

I have decided that if she gets pregnant, I will be going to court for custody. I will not let that child be hurt the way my sister hurt me (physically and emotional). I want to give that kid better than the small social security check. I can provide with the job I have that she’s never had. I want the best for this child. I pray to God that she is infertile. I wish no harm to my sister, I just can’t wish her something that will cause another human being to be hurt either.

I haven’t brought this up with my sailor. From our former and recent conversations, he wants to wait til after my degree for kids. I get that, but I won’t let that kid be harmed. I’ll do it by myself (with the help of other family) if I have to.

 

 

Only More Confusion

In the bathroom, when he was with me…. He seemed hesitate at first to tell me he wanted to marry me in the future. As he continued to talk, he got excited and even had the look of a child in a candy shop. The famous comparison of happiness and awe. It was mutual that we wanted and needed to wait. This was our future and something not to just toss the dice at, for our thoughts at least. Maybe we are crazy or paranoid. I don’t know. I think it’s rather smart. Wanting to wait until I have my degree and him wanting to wait until…. whatever he has in mind. I don’t think he’s made up his mind yet. He’s already signed the extension. I know in his heart he wants to make a career out of the Navy and I support him. I know this is what he wants, but I think he is now uncertain because I am now a part of the equation. I love him, but he’s dumb sometimes.

 

I wish I knew what happened to the candy shop love of marriage. Or the thought of it, at least. My only theory is that he has set off again on the second part of the deployment today and/or other people’s conversations may be influencing the thoughts. I wish I knew.

“It’s not going to change anything. It’s just a piece of paper. It’s only legal and about money.”

He never once brought up the issue or thoughts of money. It was never spoken. My reasoning behind wanting to wait is two simple reason. One, I want to be with my husband as much as possible and in the same state. Two, I want my degree through non martial finical aid and then being able to help support us. I was already thinking of this but refused to speak on it. His 27k a year (which he doesn’t know I know) and my part time 10k a year would be hard to live off of in a new house and a new car. He has dreams of all these things and no thinking of starting small. Dumbass. So, having a degree would make it a little easier.

 

After waiting and crying for many many nights and struggle to focus in school. Lord help me. I got my answers. And let me start with they are dumb.

He wants to be able to provide for me, wants to be able to support us in a legal way.

He wants to give me a big house with a yard that could hold the two dogs I beg him for our future. And that would accommodate the children we’ve been talking about as a possibility.

He wants to give me materialistic happiness.

I am happy with a studio as long as I get to be with him and get my job. Preferably get my dog or two. Children will come and he needs to stop worrying if the Navy will take away from our life. It won’t. I’ve already thought of all this.

Videos and pictures. I watch all his videos when I’m down or miss him until I feel better and can keep going. When we have children, we can make videos like that. We can have pictures meant for certain things. I’ve thought of these things. I know how to make this work. I wish he would trust me a little more.

 

I already have my maid of honor since I was 14. My cousin has already started her speech and I want her to give me away. We have a family wedding gown… I’ve already tried it on and only my cousin has seen me in it. Maybe I’m biased, but I look great in it.

I am ready to be with him forever. I love him.

 

Not My Place

Death was our first big conversation if you remember or had read my other posts… well, it will be coming up again soon and I am terrified. His great grandma is so close to deaths door and I don’t know what I am supposed to do. As his girl, I know I am here to help him through this and support his family, but it is a hard thing to do. He’s deployed in a completely different part of the world and his family is in a different state. I’m not sure what all my words can do to comfort. I feel that they will mean close to nothing. I love his family and know how crushing this will be. I hate watching already what it does to his mother, I am super close to her. He does not yet how close she is to passing and I am terrified for when he finds out. I want to call the chaplain after it happens to make sure they check up on him, but I don’t want to give him unwanted attention.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I’ve never been in this position before.

His mom updates me often on his great grandmas health and I can tell it is right around the corner if not today. His mom seems so strong, but I can tell she is scared and fights tears a lot. Her husband is really supportive for which I am grateful. Her husband is a good man, but I wish I were there for the family too.

My sailor should know what’s going on completely with his great grandma…. but it’s not my place.

Our Real World

Work was really good today. I had fun. My coworkers and I got a lot of work done today and may have been able to nick some stuff off of tomorrows work. We all worked with awesome, classic rock music. We all didn’t mind humming along and still running around to get the job done. We made phone calls and took care of our customers. We did really good today.

The store gave all the workers free food. I took some and had to leave to go back to work. I am not allowed to eat on the floor but wanted that cookie. A vendor nearby had the same color shirt I was wearing and I walked up next to him. I asked plain and simple if I could use him to hide from the store owners. He laughed and was my watch out. I had never seen the guy before and wasn’t near him for more than three minutes. He did a good job, I finished my cookie without getting in trouble.

It was a good day.

Went shopping for the coming week, ya know. Got some breakfast food. I got some bacon! I got random things. Got ready to go catch the bus to go home. Got on. I was warm. No one talked to me. I had all my things gathered and I was ready to go.

But the bus wasn’t moving. Something was wrong.

A guy a seat ahead of me and the other side was rummaging through his bag and a girl behind me was crying, her hand covering her mouth. I honestly didn’t get what was going on at first. The bus driver didn’t get out from behind his bullet-proof door attached to his seat and then used the intercom.

“Weapons are illegal on this form of transportation. You need to get off or the police will be here to escort you off.”

Seeing the flash of the handgun into his bag as he started screaming, I thought of all the things I wouldn’t get to do with my family. How I didn’t get the chance to tell them I loved them an hour ago. How I didn’t get to really go swimming this summer and get a stupid sunburn because I stupidly didn’t put enough sunscreen on. I thought about my boyfriend. He writes me an email almost every day and expects one back. I wouldn’t be able to and he would probably hear from his mother. I thought about his mom and how close we have gotten.

In the past week, there have been five more shootings. I didn’t want to be apart of those numbers. Please God, don’t make me that number. I started praying, tears rolling down my face. I don’t want to die.

The fight continued until the man got off.

I made it home and I am safe. All of this happened and the thing taught me something very sad. My boyfriend is out there, somewhere only God knows, to save us from the bad guys. YET we have no regrets being the bad guys to each other. This scares me almost more than knowing what my sailor does.

I was once told by a shipmate of my man’s…. “we are safer being deployed than you are as a civilian on the streets these days”. I brushed it off until today.

 

 

PLEASE STOP THE HATE AND LOWER THOSE NUMBERS

WHATEVER IT IS THAT MAKES YOU OR YOUR FRIEND WANT TO DO THIS, PLEASE DON’T. PLEASE STOP AND THINK ABOUT FAMILY, YOURS AND EVERYONE ELSES. 

PLEASE HELP BE THE CHANGE EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT.