Home, Not Home, Home

I get the feeling the military loves fucking with SO’s emotions or our mental health.

I’m pretty sure they get a kick out of it.

Wonder if they’d like a kick in the balls. Sounds like a good idea to me. Mhmm, a really good idea to me.

So, everyone that’s read some or all of my whiny, personal blog knows that my sailor had recently gotten home. Back in December. It is now…. March. Forgive me. I actually had to look.

Here back in late Jan, my wonderful man came and visited me. Had an amazing time. My family got to truly meet him and they like him. We spent too much money in Barnes & Nobles. Had a good time.

Back to the current month. March, what a wonderful month. St. Patrick’s Day, an excuse to pinch people and not get hit in return. Parades around the city just for the Irish holiday. The month that shows that spring is coming.

Unless you’re in the military. Then they will send you off again. You don’t get parades if you’re in the military. Spring doesn’t matter to your captain. There are no seasons on your nuclear carrier. Only weapons of mass destruction. Pinching people lead to fights regardless of the Irish tradition of the homeland. Remember, you’re in the military. Those things don’t apply to you anymore.

He had only gotten home a few months ago and now getting ready to leave again on another deployment. It will be months of underways before he leaves again, but a deployment nonetheless.

I read in a book once that out of a four year active contract, a married couple will see each other a total of MAYBE 1/10 to 1/7 of the contract time. Sounds about right to me. Amante has a year and a half left. After the deployment, he’ll be done. That’s five years of contracted work.  I’ve seen him three times. I haven’t done the math, I don’t want to out of the possibility of becoming depressed. But I know it’s low.


The military gives and takes.

So love what you get.

I love him.


Hey Guys, I’m back

I am so sorry for not updating and writing lately.

I have been starting a new semester and working more. I have just started getting a little more time and I’ll be able to write more.

I love coming back and seeing how many more followers I have and votes on my other posts. I really appreciate it.


Alright, so being a SO! Still a good life.

Today was a bit hard though. I woke up and I was wanting so much to wake up next to him. I wanted so bad to have to wake up in the middle of the night and shove him so I can have room on the bed too. I wanted so bad to wake up and his hand running through my hair, him calling me beautiful. I miss him. I crave him. I crave his love and kisses.

It was only last month that he was here on leave, but it was still too long ago. I got to have him for a whole week. The time before was only two and a half days. I am so lucky for this time. So lucky.

I want to be greedy though. I laugh at the comment in my head, but it’s true. I know a lot of other SOs can probably nod and say they understand. Followed by a heavy sigh, right? Yup, that’s how that small internal conversation goes.

He also got to meet all of my family in this city. It was… interesting as his quiet self was being questioned and being around a bunch of loud people of my blood. It was great though.

Marriage was talked again when he was here. The same night I found out he was set for another deployment. Talk about a broken heart. Being strong in this life is sometimes hard. Sometimes it’s impossible. This was one of those times it was beyond impossible. He just got home from deployment. I just got him back.


They are always taking him. It wasn’t until I had to say “See ya later” that I realized how much I hated airplanes. Not fear, hate. Absolute anger, resentment and pure hate. Airplanes were the machinery that took him from me. And maybe that’s stupid to be angry about….. But in my opinion, it’s probably better to be angry at a stupid airplane than the thing mi Amante (my lover) has vowed his life to.

But hey….

What’s love? Choosing to be with someone through all the shit and flowers.

I love him. I choose all his shit and flowers. I just prefer the flowers in his life.

Motherly Advice

His mom.

Let me start with the fact that I love this woman and sometimes my sailor believes with all his heart that she likes me more than him. He jokes that I have replaced him with his mother.

I love being able to call her at six in the morning and even though she’s still working on her first cup of coffee, she is still happy to hear from me. Or ten at night, exhausted from the day and still smiles when my number pops up on her screen.

This time though, I lettttt her savor her coffee and called at seven thirty. I missed her voice and happy sound. She lives a few states away from me.

Having her pick up the phone, I prepare myself for whatever reply I get about my situation. I wanted to talk to her about my sister. She sounded happy to hear from me.

Finishing telling her what was going on and the possibility of a change in future plans, she sighed and gave me a decent reply. One that gave me comfort and support, but I knew she was a little worried too.

My man (her son), didn’t know where he stood on supporting or liking the idea. He was hesitant to even talk further of it, but tried talking me out of doing it since I haven’t finished school yet. He was smart and trying to think about our future. Which I find adorable, but this is a big deal. I prayed and prayed that he would support me, be there for me. I don’t want his money, just kind and encouraging words.

Telling all her this and how we had both agreed to wait on children of our own, I could imagine her dancing inside from hearing her son wanted to have kids. She had brought it up with me before and I pushed her to not think like that. Not ready for that.

She said that I needed to calm down and just wait to see what happens. To not jump to thinking it was already happening. Saying that she hoped that if it did happen that my man would support me and stay with me, as she loved me and didn’t want to see me leave. Saying that she wouldn’t want her son with anyone else.

I love this woman and her support through everything.





Maybe I Shouldn’t Be

I am angry. Furious even. I want to shake him and scream in his face. I am not a violent person, for the most part, so, I can say with confidence that I would not hit him.

He lied to me. This may sound like the smallest of things and sometimes it is. It all depends on the thing it is, but it shouldn’t matter what it’s about in my opinion.

He’s been drinking. Not lately because he’s been on deployment. I mean, maybe when he was in port lately, and maybe that’s why he didn’t want to video chat with me or his family at all. Maybe that’s just me jumping to negative thoughts. I don’t know.

I don’t think this would be such a bad thing for me to not know if he wasn’t roommates with who he is. His roommates is an alcoholic who can’t wait to spend money on the next bottle instead of his coming child. With that in mind, I fear about what might have happened when my man was drinking with his roommate. And I know it was his roommate who bought the roommate because the roommate buys a bought at least twice a week. It’s sad really. These bottles aren’t little, light drinks. My family knows some bartenders… These are not easy drinks. The roommate gets angry and wild. His pregnant wife waits in the bedroom for him to pass out and then cleans up after him, not even bothering to try and drag him to bed.

He lied about drinking and drinking with people that could’ve ended badly.

Maybe I shouldn’t be upset, but I am. I am so upset to the point where I am fighting tears. Is telling me the truth that hard? Is telling me that you are drinking and with them that hard? You know I would warn you, but I would never stop you. I am not going to control you or try to. Is it that hard? Is it so hard to tell me the truth that you do that and I have to learn from your ex-roommate MONTHS later? Months… And how do I learn? I learn when this roommate is drunk and is to the point where he won’t stop talking. Is it that hard to tell me the truth? And if you cheated on me? Or got hurt? Or got lost and couldn’t get home? Because you didn’t want to tell me the truth. Is that why you didn’t want to video chat me some nights when the reason you told me was that the others were loud partying and drunk.

I love you, but I will not be lied to.

I love you and you can smile at me and sing to me, but I won’t take it.

I love you and you can repeat it, but I won’t.

I love you, but I can’t.

So please don’t make me.

Let’s Talk About Money

First and foremost, I am not a gold digger. I could care less about his money. In fact, If I worked full time, it is possible for me to make more than he does at my current job. Much more if I did overtime. Wait until I become that bad ass nurse. In fact, I hate gifts. I get nervous around birthdays or holidays or when gifts come up in topics. It gives me anxiety and I just don’t like it.

My friend is pregnant and her husband is deployed with my guy. I have to say from my point of view, it is better now that he is gone due to the fact he left his wife in debt. His wife is pregnant, didn’t both to see if Tricare (medical military insurance) was set up for her, and bought alcohol all the time.

I know it’s not my business, but it is the money aspect that she talks to me about that makes me nervous. I’ve had to help a number of times to make sure she can keep the car from being taken because he doesn’t know how to handle the money.

This makes me nervous when I think of my future. Whether it be with my sailor or not. Naturally, I think with my sailor, but while he’s gone, I am starting to think about it alone. I know that in the future, he will be deployed again and again and I will have to deal with the money part of life while he’s gone. It’s a part of life no one likes talking about because it sucks to talk about. No one likes talking about this kind of thing because it is the number one thing that causes divorce.

I love my man, but sometimes I think he is so stupid. We are not married, yet he has given me his bank account once upon a time. To be honest, I forgot it. I don’t need it. When I did see it, I saw debt and it made me nervous and made me want to back out. I don’t want to go into a serious relationship with a person that doesn’t know how to handle money responsibly. Having talked to my man about it, it turned out that he had overspent his money trying to take care of this wife friend of mine and the husband/shipmate of his. The debt was an attempt to help others, but fucking him up. I just hope his credit will be okay. I want to be honest, the whole thing still makes me nervous. I don’t want to be raising adults with a child of their own. I don’t want my boyfriend doing that. My man is 20 years old and doing this while trying to get up himself. It pisses me off because how is he supposed to grow for himself and go far in life if he’s constantly holding other people up. I want him to let them go. My man is smart, he’s smart with money, I know he is. He just needs to choose to be smart with why he spends it.

He’s brought up marriage with me and even though stability is never promised in the military, money can be easier if done responsibly. I like to think I am good with money. I am not in debt and take good care of myself medically and with school. If I am going to marry him someday, I want to feel comfortable in knowing that we won’t be raising them. God, I feel like a bitch for saying it about a friend, but I want to make sure my future is as stable as it can be. I want my future to be with him and I want it to be as stable as possible.

Money complicates everything. Money sucks….. Kinda.

I love him. We agreed to talk about everything money wise before making big decisions.

Art of Accepting

Rules of survival. First is shelter, then water, and finally food. Assessing, planning, and executing skills to survival will keep you actively engaged in the situation to keep you breathing and your heart beating.

Medically for the average healthy adult…. Blood pressure 120/80. Pulse 60 to 100 beats per minute at resting. Breathing rate 12 to 20 breathes a minute at resting. Temperature 98.6F.

Definition of survival: noun; the state or fact of continuing to live in spite of an accident, ordeal, or difficult circumstance.


Definition of acceptance: noun; the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered.

Synonyms of love: affection, admiration, apperication, fondness, yearning, sentiment, devotedness, passion, entanglement, cherish, understandingness.


Keep in mind that some of this (cough, most) is coming from the internet. I wanted to bring this up in light of a reader of mine. I know how hard it is to accept this life. Trust me, I do nottttt have it as together as I seem I do. I write as things come to me. This is very random and personally factual, if that’s a thing. I wanted to address that this reader addressed resentment towards my sailor seeming easy in a way. No, it’s not. I’ve just had time to accept it. I do still resent his choice sometimes and I personally believe it’s okay to SOMETIMES, but not all the times. I do not write about those times because I do not want my readers to think that I am constantly thinking horribly of my dude. I’m not. I am thinking about him sleeping next to me, drool on his face and stealing the blankets on purpose. I do not write about it because I feel that it will enable the feeling of resentment for those new or going into this kind of relationship. I am not saying it’s not okay or not normal. It is so so normal and okay. But it is important, very very important that you learn to accept it. This post is solely directed to those who are the SO’s or those in the military whose SO’s are going through a hard time.

Accept it won’t be easy. Accept it will never be easy. If this were easy, everyone would be in this relationship, in this life, but their not. Only the strong are. Not downing anyone who’s not in a milso relationship. I’ve realized that apart of not wanting to accept this part of your partner’s life is maybe not the ability of your partner. You can cuss me out or tell me I’m wrong, okay, maybe I am. I’ll accept that. Thinking back to my relationship, however, it’s why I started to resent his choice of going into the military. I know his job and I used to think no one could do that kind of work, that no matter how much training anyone had, it couldn’t be done and that… that caused me to resent it. Why would he choose to do something so dumb and stupid and something that could get him hurt? Am I close? Why would he smile and love this job that scares me to death? Am I getting warmer?

Maybe take a step back, take yourself out of the equation for a moment. Put someone(a random name) in your spot and then ask those questions. Why would he do a job that he loves that scares his girl? It’s the same question, just without me/you in the equation. Sometimes taking a step back and trying to think outside of yourself helps you understand difficult situations. For my answer, the one that I came up with… He does it for her. He knows it scares her, but he does it because it (at the end of the day) saves her. He does it so that his family and friends can go to Disney Land or out to eat. He makes sacrifices everyday that sometimes, us SO’s don’t understand outside of our fear. And that’s okay. But he can do it. He’s been doing it and that’s because he’s been trained to do it.

Something you will learn along the way as a SO is fear is part of what keeps us going if you use it the right way. It takes a long time to manage that, I will write about it later. I can tell you that the SO’s sacrifice too. SO’s usually don’t get acknowledged for it, do not expect it.

This life is hard. It will never be easy. The thing is, if you love or want your partner enough, you two will make it work. It will work out. Have faith. In yourself. In your partner. In your relationship. In the training that the military gives them.

You must accept it.

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen

So, I love my man. I plan to marry the dork one day. Maybe pop out a few kids or just have a thousand dogs and horses. You know, the old fashioned dream. No white fence, it will get dirty and I doubt either of us will want to clean it. Or maybe just not me.


I am tired of people (both genders!) thinking it’s okay to flirt with me, knowing damn well I am taken. If ya’ll don’t know, okay cool. I’m still going to shoot you down.

I am nice a lot of the time. But really…. Respect my damn relationship. I don’t care that Jessica so and so went and cheated on her man with blah… NO, I don’t care. I ain’t no Jessica. Sorry to all the Jessica’s, first name that came to mind.

From customers at work to classmates to actual coworkers…. I’m tired of it. I am sad to say, I am okay with becoming mean if it means they will leave me be. I am not interested!

I have a man. I am happy with my man. I love and am in love with my man. I do not want anyone else.

What bring this up, you might ask? A coworker backing me into a cornering, protesting love and asking me to leave my sailor for him. This coworker of mine has been a friend to me for months and he was in the military. As I know that has no real relevance, he was supportive and helped give me a different view point when I was struggling with something. I realize now that maybe I shouldn’t have gone to him. I know I clearly shouldn’t have gone to him. He was the only person I knew that had some similar situations and I wanted to understand.  Having a really rough day, ending up crying, this coworker comforted me. Didn’t make a move at this point. I was granted and voiced so. I later had waited with him after my shift to talk until my ride came and got me from work. Then the cornering happened. It was intense and I was more than uncomfortable. I don’t care what he felt or whatever, he knew I was taken and happy. He knew.

I ended up walking away, not talking to him. I didn’t report him for harassment as I should’ve out of fear. He is in a power position. I no longer see him since moving into the pharmacy. Let me tell you the amount of relief. It really does suck though. I thought he was a friend that I could rely on, but I guess not. I am sick, it makes me sick to think about it.

Since his first “pursuit”, he has since continued to make moves towards me. Thankful to my coworkers, I have been successful in dodging this. I am becoming resentful of ever meeting this guy. I am close to hating him. I worry for the day I snap. I don’t remember the last time I snapped at someone. It will be bad. I am really worried about it.

Lord, give me self control. Give me patience. Give me strength. Strength to not knock his teeth out.