Okay, looking sideways

I have always liked to think that I am open minded and look at things pretty well from many points of views. I can easily say that at 20 years old, I don’t look at the world from a 9 year old’s view.

After a rough day at the pharmacy, my family is great about try to help me chill out or relax. This time, it was my 9yo cousin. Such a sweet, sassy little woman who wanted to paint nails. I am NOT the type who wears nail polish because I know it will stay for maybe two days and then look like trash. But…. It made her happy and I wanted to relax with my family. Nail polish it was.

She was always interested in what had happened at work with me. Asking if there were any crazy or mean people. If I had sassed my boss that day. If I had made any stupid mistakes. A small way to gossip about my day and she enjoyed it as I vented.

“How long have you been dating Amante?” (If you haven’t caught on by now, this is what I call my sailor in my blog). She had asked. I had no idea why she was interested in my relationship, but I decided to humor the conversation. A nine year old couldn’t go very far with it, I figure. 

“Two years ish.” I smile, starting our second coat of paint on our nails. I hated that she decided I would wear pink polish. I was not a pink person. I was plain and liked blue or grey.

“Why hasn’t he proposed to you yet? Is he stupid or just slow?” She asked, not smiling as if it were a joke. I could feel my mouth drop. I was completely wrong. She took it farther than I expected.

“Well, it’s just not a good time for either of us.” I try to work my way around her. I know she’s smart and am now worried she will find a way to corner me.

“Why can’t you see him more? I like him.” She looked up at me sad, leaning against the bathroom wall as we sit on the floor.

“Because he is in the military. He has a job to do with them and it’s up to them when he can go places. And I like him too.” I smile back at her.

“That sucks. It’s fifty fifty. It’s good that he’s serving our country, but bad that they won’t let him go home much. It’s stupid. Still good he’s doing his job.” She went back to painting on glitter. Her nails looked like a total mess, but to a kid, they were beautiful. I would tell her the same and then try to help her a bit.

 

Talking and listening to a 9 year old, I realized that maybe I haven’t been as grateful as I can be. As I should be. I don’t want to cut myself down and feel guilty for not so far, but it is definitely a thought I’ve bee having lately.

I love him. I love my sailor as he’s back out on underway.

Hooyah

In Port

Depoyment, oh deployment.

Hurry up and wait can kiss my pearly white ass. Im tired of waiting but I love the man and will gladly do it for him. He has been working so hard and I am so proud of him. I also miss him it hurts deep in my gut.

i have been lucky to get emails daily and be able to stay in contact with his family. It makes me feel closer to him. Like the other day, I spent two hours on the phone with his mom until one am my time until she’s almost passed out. She is such a sweet woman.

Hes been in port twice now of being on deployment and he’s having a good time with deployment. Except people aren’t doing some of their working and he’s picking up their slack. He’s feeling some pressure and in all honesty, I’m not always sure how to help comfort him. There’s only so many ways you can say “you’re doing a good job and I’m proud of you and I’m sure it’ll get better and etc”…. I don’t know much else to say. I know the phone calls and care packages and being in port really brighten his spirits. I’m glad they come close together for him. Makes me sad for other sailors who may not have packages or letters. I wouldn’t know. I’ve asked my sailor for monthly lists of small things that sailors that don’t get things would like from Home so that would get things. I might as well try.

For the first time in months, I got to see him. It was but for a few seconds, but it was long enough for him to say he loved me. It made me so happy. He’s in port and his hair just cut and he still needs to shave, but he’s still handsome.

I love him!!!!

Hooyah

 

A Sit Down

You ever think that some topics are just too much to talk about? Even with the person you need to talk about it with the most. Let me put you mind at ease and say that everyone feels this way and I wrote it like this just to start off a good post. I did good, didn’t I?

I was laying down next to the man I love dearly and thinking about all the things in life. I have a habit of always thinking about heavy stuff when I’m cuddling close to someone. His arm wrapped around my waist, grossly breathing on the back of my neck in a semi cute way and just knowing that he loved me too. It was nice.

But me being me and thinking too far and too much. I started to cry. Before I get completely detailed into this, I want to blurt something out. I am terrified by the idea of marriage. It may sound weird coming from a female, but I am. Carrying on. I was crying and naturally, he tried turning me to face him, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to walk away and deal with my emotions alone. Thing is, in a relationship, you have to let the other person be there for you. Him and I both are guilty of trying to deal with problems on our own until they get to be too much and then we go to each other. It is a short fight and then stuff is fixed fast. His being here, with me, he didn’t let me go. Which is the majority off why I wanted to write this post. That fucking brat and what he did.

He freaking sat on me. He’s half naked and pinning me down. I’m angry at this point because I just want to be left alone. I’m yelling at him and trying to push him off me. I am pretty sure he was having a blast. He was laughing the whole time. He held my hands and pinned my feet in some weird ass way. I have no idea how. We were on the bed, until I flipped us off and managed to pin him on floor. It overall was really fun. He, in the middle of the whole thing, kept licking my face. It was gross. When he finally stopped licking my face, he asked what made me cry. I asked (again) for him to let me up and he didn’t.  He asked again.

I told him that I was afraid that he was going to leave for deployment and come back and not want me as his forever. That he wouldn’t love me. A bunch of other fears. The same fears he and I have addressed multiple times before and I’ve gotten over multiple times, but it was still scary for me. He got off, not enough for me to run off though. He listened to me talk and I started to cry again. He listened and wiped my tears.

Then I got sick because I worked myself up so much.

While I was in the bathroom, being super sexy (major sarcasm here) and throwing up, he pulled my hair up and rubbed my back. He told me it would be okay. When I was okay, he cupped my face, all hallmark. He told me that he was going to wait until he came home to talk to me about it in case I changed my mind about us, but since I got so worked up… I seemed okay. He had been thinking of marrying me once he got shore duty. I was super confused. When in the hell would he get shore duty? His contract was up in a few years.

His ass…. He signed again. Another four years. I know at least of those four, I don’t know if he signed for more than that. I have a gut feeling that he signed for more than those four years. He sat on the sink counter as I sat on the floor trying to take this in and understand all of it. I don’t know why it was hard to understand. It was only a few facts in the conversation. He wanted to marry me when his first contract was up. He signed again. He may have signed for more than four years. Those were the facts. But then why was it so hard to grasp?

Going back to my fear of marriage. I am not afraid of commitment, nope, I want my dude to be mine. I want him to be old and grey haired on a rocking chair next to me one day. I want that. I’m not going to tell him that now, but that’s what I want. I’ve hinted at it once or twice, but never told him outright. Maybe I should’ve or maybe I should now. I don’t know. My fear is that one day he may change his mind. I don’t tell him this either. I don’t tell him because in my head, I think that it might give it a stronger possibility. I know, logically, that’s not possibly, but that’s my thinking. I have horrible anxiety.

He’s brought up marriage before. That was interesting and honestly scary and exciting. I kept asking a million questions, which I think resulted in freaking him out. I’m not going to bother going into that story.

I love that man.

Maybe I Shouldn’t Be

I am angry. Furious even. I want to shake him and scream in his face. I am not a violent person, for the most part, so, I can say with confidence that I would not hit him.

He lied to me. This may sound like the smallest of things and sometimes it is. It all depends on the thing it is, but it shouldn’t matter what it’s about in my opinion.

He’s been drinking. Not lately because he’s been on deployment. I mean, maybe when he was in port lately, and maybe that’s why he didn’t want to video chat with me or his family at all. Maybe that’s just me jumping to negative thoughts. I don’t know.

I don’t think this would be such a bad thing for me to not know if he wasn’t roommates with who he is. His roommates is an alcoholic who can’t wait to spend money on the next bottle instead of his coming child. With that in mind, I fear about what might have happened when my man was drinking with his roommate. And I know it was his roommate who bought the roommate because the roommate buys a bought at least twice a week. It’s sad really. These bottles aren’t little, light drinks. My family knows some bartenders… These are not easy drinks. The roommate gets angry and wild. His pregnant wife waits in the bedroom for him to pass out and then cleans up after him, not even bothering to try and drag him to bed.

He lied about drinking and drinking with people that could’ve ended badly.

Maybe I shouldn’t be upset, but I am. I am so upset to the point where I am fighting tears. Is telling me the truth that hard? Is telling me that you are drinking and with them that hard? You know I would warn you, but I would never stop you. I am not going to control you or try to. Is it that hard? Is it so hard to tell me the truth that you do that and I have to learn from your ex-roommate MONTHS later? Months… And how do I learn? I learn when this roommate is drunk and is to the point where he won’t stop talking. Is it that hard to tell me the truth? And if you cheated on me? Or got hurt? Or got lost and couldn’t get home? Because you didn’t want to tell me the truth. Is that why you didn’t want to video chat me some nights when the reason you told me was that the others were loud partying and drunk.

I love you, but I will not be lied to.

I love you and you can smile at me and sing to me, but I won’t take it.

I love you and you can repeat it, but I won’t.

I love you, but I can’t.

So please don’t make me.

I promise

I swear I wasn’t high at 2100 (9 pm). Baking cookies, watching a new medical show and watching live surgeries online…. Nope.

One thing all the SO’s tell you is to stay busy. Most of the time it is school work, work or family that keeps me busy. Last night? Nope, when they all passed out early, I went straight for the kitchen and started baking. Something I haven’t done in years. I must say, I am very proud the house is still standing and only half the cookies are burnt. I haven’t a clue as to why I decided it would be a great idea to do this. I didn’t get to bed until one in the morning. Don’t know how in the fuck I had that much energy, Jesus.

While the first batch came out last night, I groaned at the black edges and threw another one in. I still kept them, hoping my family would still eat them. The kids probably wouldn’t care. But thinking as I was doing this, I did think of my dude. I knew that he wouldn’t eat burnt cookies. I knew that he would praise my effort, but would find a way to get rid of them or I would do it for him. I know this.

It makes me nervous to think about maybe living with him someday. I love him and that’s what I want, but I have been so busy with school and my job that I honestly haven’t had a lot of time to learn to truly “housewife”. I need to. So, a new goal…. This summer, I’m going to be a bad ass cook and baker before he comes home from deployment. I’m going to ask that his mom sends me all her stuff to learn it. I’m basically going to take at home cooking school. I will know this stuff.

I know how to clean and do laundry already. I know how to take care of kids. So, that’s a huge part of “housewifing”, but Lord knows that cooking…. FOOD is what really keeps everything going. It is the source of life! Even when you’re in your momma’s belly, it is food. That is all that matter.

I am writing this before lunch…. I am hungry. Probably will just post it and then go eat something nice. Yea…. that sounds nice.

At 1832

Riding in the backseat of the car was not how I was expecting my summer to start with. I was going on a family business trip to the farm and was not really thrilled to be doing it. I didn’t feel like doing anything productive after months of straining my brain to learn in school and then a new job. I would say that taking one week off before hitting life back upon activities sounds well deserved. Being on business, everyone in contact with our business knew my phone number and calls only when they can’t reach the other two immediate company owners. At this point, I am used to getting calls that I don’t recognize the number or even show up as unknown. I have been lucky that I haven’t had many times to receive such calls, but there are a few a week.

On the way to the farm today, my cousin’s phone rang while they weren’t in the car. By the time they got back, the phone was no longer ringing. We didn’t have time at the moment to call back and all agreed that if they called again, we would return the favor. I sat back, hoping the small mission of ours would be over so I could go home and read a new series I had been introduced to. Getting back into the car, music going, my family and I were happy. It was sunny out and there was a rainbow over towards the West. I honestly couldn’t imagine a more relaxing day even if I wanted to be home.

When the unknown number came up on my phone screen, I didn’t think about it and laughed at the joke my family whispered before I held the phone to my ear. I answer how I always answer now that my family runs a business.

“This is Marie, how can I help you?” Hoping whoever was calling would be quick and I could go back to my joke with my family.

“Hey, my Marie. How are you?” His voice came through the phone. As if by instinct, my hand flies to my mouth and tears start to well in my eyes. My family glances at me and raise their eyebrows at me. I don’t cry on the phone unless it’s really bad news and it has always been with them that it has happened.  I haven’t heard his voice since he said he loved me, leaving the airport to go back to base. That was months ago.

“Hi, I love you. I miss you. God, I am so happy to hear your voice.”

 

And just as suddenly as it started, it had to come to an end. The call was longer than what I would expect a call, but it was one to have none the less. I wasn’t sure if I would get a call until they got into port. I don’t know when they will get into port or which ones. All I know is that I can’t wait to hear his voice again.

With all the different, difficult things that have been happening lately, I feel I needed this. I needed him. It has been a few hours since the call and I  can tell you that my heart is still beating just as fast and the butterflies I normally get from one email have tripled and stayed in my stomach. I have been with him and I can honestly say that I love him. But what makes me really happy is that I am in love with him too. People see it as the same thing. It is not. Loving someone is a choice, being in love is more of an emotional hormone. I choose to love him and somehow, even after this long, I am still in love with him. People often call it the honeymoon phase and say that it always ends at some point, but I challenge that and ask, when?

 

I love and am in love with my hero, one of America’s heroes.

Hooyah

Loving Something Older

Ask anyone. What are your thoughts on emails? Old schooled, maybe?

I think so too. They are dumb as shit.

Until they are all I have. Waking up to one and waiting to read one before going to sleep… That’s what I have now. And at this point, I’m okay with old schooled. I have to be. I love him.

He emailed me and said that he thought that he thinks he saw land for the first time since he left. He said he wasn’t sure if it was real or not and it scared him to not know. I wouldn’t even know what to think or feel. How would anyone know unless they were there? That’s not something that happens everyday.

He emailed me that he passed a test. He brushed it off as something as simple, but me being the bias girlfriend…. I’m proud and wanted to tell the world that he did good. He passed. We are still waiting to see how he did on his promotional test, but I know he got it. I know I’m bias, but I also know how much he studied. He refused to call me sometimes to go study for the test. I know he did good. We will find out soon. I am already proud of him. If the end of the world were tomorrow, my deadly sin would be pride.

He emails me the same thing every time and I can rely that I will read that at the bare minimum. That he loves me.

Even though this is an old school tradition, emails are, it’s something that I’m in love with because it keeps me close to someone who is so far from me. I miss him like crazy, but I know that with each passing day, it only brings him closer to coming home.

Hooyah