Only More Confusion

In the bathroom, when he was with me…. He seemed hesitate at first to tell me he wanted to marry me in the future. As he continued to talk, he got excited and even had the look of a child in a candy shop. The famous comparison of happiness and awe. It was mutual that we wanted and needed to wait. This was our future and something not to just toss the dice at, for our thoughts at least. Maybe we are crazy or paranoid. I don’t know. I think it’s rather smart. Wanting to wait until I have my degree and him wanting to wait until…. whatever he has in mind. I don’t think he’s made up his mind yet. He’s already signed the extension. I know in his heart he wants to make a career out of the Navy and I support him. I know this is what he wants, but I think he is now uncertain because I am now a part of the equation. I love him, but he’s dumb sometimes.

 

I wish I knew what happened to the candy shop love of marriage. Or the thought of it, at least. My only theory is that he has set off again on the second part of the deployment today and/or other people’s conversations may be influencing the thoughts. I wish I knew.

“It’s not going to change anything. It’s just a piece of paper. It’s only legal and about money.”

He never once brought up the issue or thoughts of money. It was never spoken. My reasoning behind wanting to wait is two simple reason. One, I want to be with my husband as much as possible and in the same state. Two, I want my degree through non martial finical aid and then being able to help support us. I was already thinking of this but refused to speak on it. His 27k a year (which he doesn’t know I know) and my part time 10k a year would be hard to live off of in a new house and a new car. He has dreams of all these things and no thinking of starting small. Dumbass. So, having a degree would make it a little easier.

 

After waiting and crying for many many nights and struggle to focus in school. Lord help me. I got my answers. And let me start with they are dumb.

He wants to be able to provide for me, wants to be able to support us in a legal way.

He wants to give me a big house with a yard that could hold the two dogs I beg him for our future. And that would accommodate the children we’ve been talking about as a possibility.

He wants to give me materialistic happiness.

I am happy with a studio as long as I get to be with him and get my job. Preferably get my dog or two. Children will come and he needs to stop worrying if the Navy will take away from our life. It won’t. I’ve already thought of all this.

Videos and pictures. I watch all his videos when I’m down or miss him until I feel better and can keep going. When we have children, we can make videos like that. We can have pictures meant for certain things. I’ve thought of these things. I know how to make this work. I wish he would trust me a little more.

 

I already have my maid of honor since I was 14. My cousin has already started her speech and I want her to give me away. We have a family wedding gown… I’ve already tried it on and only my cousin has seen me in it. Maybe I’m biased, but I look great in it.

I am ready to be with him forever. I love him.

 

Hell Yes

I am finished!

I’m done. Here I am summer. I am good to go.

I am sitting here, waiting to have the weather be good enough to go swimming. I am a mermaid. I can not wait. I have a two piece for the first time in my life and I feel comfortable wearing it in public. It’s a black halter top and hot pink shorts. I have to admit that I feel absolutely sexy in them. I don’t wear them to get other guys attention, I couldn’t care less. I wear it because I deserve to feel sexy whenever the hell I want. I deserve it everyday.

Sorry, I feel beyond successful today. I finished another year of schooling and this is something I should be proud of. I am one more day closer to working in the hospital.

I had a dream about it the other day. I was in the emergency room, a guy bleeding pretty bad and I stopped it. We almost lost him, but we all saved him. I woke up, my chest beating so hard, but I was excited. I watch so medical shows. I watch surgeries while I cook or listen to medical lectures while I clean.

I went to the public city library today and sat on the floor with books around me. I was in heaven. So many books! Heaven! All I could think was that I hoped this was how I could get in the hospital quickest. I want it so bad.

I finished another year.

I can’t wait to tell him when I get home. I’m going to ask for him to call me. I hope he will. I really hope. I’ll be praying. I miss his voice.