Home, Not Home, Home

I get the feeling the military loves fucking with SO’s emotions or our mental health.

I’m pretty sure they get a kick out of it.

Wonder if they’d like a kick in the balls. Sounds like a good idea to me. Mhmm, a really good idea to me.

So, everyone that’s read some or all of my whiny, personal blog knows that my sailor had recently gotten home. Back in December. It is now…. March. Forgive me. I actually had to look.

Here back in late Jan, my wonderful man came and visited me. Had an amazing time. My family got to truly meet him and they like him. We spent too much money in Barnes & Nobles. Had a good time.

Back to the current month. March, what a wonderful month. St. Patrick’s Day, an excuse to pinch people and not get hit in return. Parades around the city just for the Irish holiday. The month that shows that spring is coming.

Unless you’re in the military. Then they will send you off again. You don’t get parades if you’re in the military. Spring doesn’t matter to your captain. There are no seasons on your nuclear carrier. Only weapons of mass destruction. Pinching people lead to fights regardless of the Irish tradition of the homeland. Remember, you’re in the military. Those things don’t apply to you anymore.

He had only gotten home a few months ago and now getting ready to leave again on another deployment. It will be months of underways before he leaves again, but a deployment nonetheless.

I read in a book once that out of a four year active contract, a married couple will see each other a total of MAYBE 1/10 to 1/7 of the contract time. Sounds about right to me. Amante has a year and a half left. After the deployment, he’ll be done. That’s five years of contracted work.  I’ve seen him three times. I haven’t done the math, I don’t want to out of the possibility of becoming depressed. But I know it’s low.


The military gives and takes.

So love what you get.

I love him.


Maybe a taboo topic?

So, in my last post, I had said that I was busy with school and work. Lord is that true. Beyond true and TRUST ME I will tell you about it. I love talking. If my followers and random clickers didn’t catch on.


There’s more.

Recently, I had admitted myself to an inpatient hospital. I am now diagnosed with depression and anxiety (both clinical). I am now on what is called an SSRI, known as Prozac to many people. I have been dealing with anxiety for my whole life, it seems, but I didn’t think it was this bad.

Panicking at work over the smallest mistake, dwelling on it hours after it had happened or even after I had clocked out.  Replaying the work day to see what I could’ve done better and cursing myself for not doing it in the first place.

School was a whole other level of darkness for me. School is a passion. The thing I live for and know I need for my goal, but… I struggled to believe I was smart enough. Good enough. I struggled to believe I would be accepted into a nursing program. I struggled to believe I would ever get the degree I’ve wanted since I was 13.

I know bringing this up in a relationship blog would probably invoke the question of if he brought on some of the anxiety of stress too. He had asked too.

It’s not him. It could never be him. It’s the hard hits of loneliness that I have talked about before that add to the struggle. I hate to tell him that, but I know he relates to a point.

I hated going to the hospital. It felt like a defeat in itself. I kept thinking I should be strong enough to handle my own shit. But I couldn’t anymore. I needed help. Whatever it took, I needed help.


I wanted to write about my mental illness because it is sometimes seen as a taboo in society. BUT in my world, the SO’s world… it’s unspoken torture we help each other with or just by ourselves. The pressure to be seen as strong, patient women (or men) makes it hard to talk about the already estranged topic.


If you need help or want to talk to someone, the site I suggest it called seven cups of tea.


A very good site to talk to a random person. No one has to know you, you can be anonymous if you want. It is super helpful. If you need further help, there are therapists on there as well.