A real scary possibility

Just like how we all have nightmares, some come true. Some don’t.

I would hear how service members would come back home with PTSD and scream in the middle of the night, reaching for a gun to protect themselves from the memories that haunt them.

I have never encountered this before though.

Many times, have I talked to a shipmate of my man, listening to how he tries to ignore those dreams and memories. He had been deployed before and currently on this deployment with my guy. He refused to tell his wife, in fear that she would go to someone and report it. This sometimes forces these servicemembers out of the military. That was a fear of his. How did he keep it from her when they shared the same bed? He had gained enough control somehow to wake up silently. She never knew he never slept through the night. She still doesn’t.

“What if you come home with PTSD?” I had asked my sailor. I know it’s a real possibility. I wanted to know how he wanted me to handle it if it did come home.

“Just be with me, I guess. I think I’ll be fine.” Says every military member ever, including mine.

Trusting that no matter what happened, I knew we would be okay. We are always okay. We have honestly become dependent on each other emotionally and spiritually. We must be okay.

But only one phone call. A few words make that small fear and question come back to mind. What if he comes home with PTSD? What am I supposed to do to help him? I have never needed to ask myself this.

He laughed as he told me he saw the pilots from his ship blow up a suicide bomber go for one of the US’s tanks. Saying “He should’ve been faster”…. “It was like a movie”… “All the guys were cheering in the victory we had”….. “It was funny”.

Of watching something blow up, of killing people.

I have only been scared of him one other time. He was pissed. He was seriously angry out of the need to protect when I told him I had been abused as a child. His face over the camera turned to someone I barely knew and it was like he packed his emotions to the side to become a killer the military raised him to be someday. I told him I had to go and he was begging me to stay. I was scared and didn’t know how to deal with him angry. He has never gotten angry with me. Frustrated, of course, but never to the point I was afraid.

He wanted to murder the man who had hurt me as a child. I couldn’t blame him for his angry, I just didn’t know what to do with it.

But now, he’s laughing. He’s not angry or pissed or even upset. He’s simply amused by the death of a person that could’ve killed a ton of our warriors.

His shipmate said he was the same way on his deployment before returning home with PTSD and now he is mentally destroyed from it.

 

As a nursing student…. As a person who would die to save someone else…. As a person who has chosen to study to save and life people…. As someone who wants to go through pain and a long recovery to donate bone marrow….

This is a hard thing for me to accept.

I have accepted the distance. I have accepted the lack of communication. I have accepted not hearing his voice for months. I have accepted that I don’t know where he is or what he’s doing. I have accepted that I don’t know when he’s coming home. I have accepted a lot and am ready to accept a lot more in this life. I have accepted him and his world.

But this is something I struggle to accept. I don’t know how to accept it.

I know long story short, it’s continuing to give me and my family our freedom. But I am conflicted as to how to really feel. My job is going to save lives (or try) and his job is to take them in the name of our country.

We both knew what his job entailed. That the possibility of his bombs (“His babies”) would create damage. We never talked in-depth about it. He knew, I knew it would cause me to have conflictions. I won’t leave him for it. I love him. I couldn’t leave him.

I just don’t know what to think. Or expect when he comes home.

A Test Given

A patient came in asking about my navy necklace. I told them I was in love with a sailor and waiting for him to come home from deployment. He was about 35 ish and gave me a grin that women closer to his age would start to melt. I laughed and pointed at him, telling him I was taken and saw what he was doing. He gave me his ID that I need to sell him something, a military ID. He knew what he was looking for. He wanted to see if I was tempted to be unfaithful and I openly and even rudely laughed in his face. I could’ve gotten in trouble and he knew this too. He shook my hand and said thank you for being faithful to my brother who’s fighting. He went ahead and mocked his past actions and kissed my hand. I didn’t bother doing anything but rolling my eyes and laughing. He knew I wasn’t interested. He walked away and I smiled at the gesture and thought that he was happy by my faithfulness to my man. He didn’t know me. He grinned over his shoulder at me. I waved, shaking my head.

Closing the pharmacy, I rubbed the back of my neck and a younger man came up to me asking about pain relievers. I was tired and off the clock, but it was my job to help. I walked him back to the aisle. He smiled at me, most girls would fawn and blush but I pointed and told the man which was the most popular. He turned and started flirting with me. It was subtle but all girls would feel it and notice… he was smooth and he knew it. I excused myself, telling him I had shopping to do. He smiled, pullin out his wallet and showed me his ID. Military. He grinned wider, shook my hand and walked away towards the door.

i shrugged it off, having worked a fourteen hour shift and not giving a damn about anything but getting home and sleeping after a late dinner. I reached to the top shelf to grab something, knowing it was probably going to fall. A hand rested on my back, where my bare skin had shown. I turned and backed away, wide awake. A tall, dark man I would have to admit was fairly good looking handed me item, giving me a sinful smile. I felt naked and uncomfortable. He rested his hand down my arm and looked into my eyes. This was too much. I backed away from him. I looked at him and shook my head. I started to yell at him “I am taken don’t -“ he nodded, putting his hand out. The man from the medicine aisle came around the corner. The man I had helped and looked about 35 came around the corner. I looked at all of them and shook my head. I said “don’t touch me or I’ll scream”.

The man reached out his hand to me. I did not take his hand, I don’t care if he kissed it earlier. I felt like a target…. this man planned this and I didn’t feel like playing anymore. He said “we wanted to test how loyal you were to your sailor. I got two of the most attractive men I know that easily get women in their bed and wanted to test it. I knew you would pass, but I had a gift that I wanted to make sure you deserved since you love one of our own. You are under financial request within us three men can do for you, starting with your groceries.” The men pulled out their cards of who they were and their ranks were impressive. I had gained favor of military commanders for being loyal, for being rude and mean to prove my loyalty….. the other two men took my groceries and my list and left me with the older man.

I wish this were a dream, but I have three new contacts in my phone. I feel somewhat uncomfortable having them, my man thinks it’s amazing of how everything happened-that it’s funny. He knows I worry about money a lot even when I don’t need to. He’s pushed me to call the men everytime I go shopping. My bank account has grown in the last two weeks like crazy and I’m not sure what to do…..

Be loyal!!!!!

In Port

Depoyment, oh deployment.

Hurry up and wait can kiss my pearly white ass. Im tired of waiting but I love the man and will gladly do it for him. He has been working so hard and I am so proud of him. I also miss him it hurts deep in my gut.

i have been lucky to get emails daily and be able to stay in contact with his family. It makes me feel closer to him. Like the other day, I spent two hours on the phone with his mom until one am my time until she’s almost passed out. She is such a sweet woman.

Hes been in port twice now of being on deployment and he’s having a good time with deployment. Except people aren’t doing some of their working and he’s picking up their slack. He’s feeling some pressure and in all honesty, I’m not always sure how to help comfort him. There’s only so many ways you can say “you’re doing a good job and I’m proud of you and I’m sure it’ll get better and etc”…. I don’t know much else to say. I know the phone calls and care packages and being in port really brighten his spirits. I’m glad they come close together for him. Makes me sad for other sailors who may not have packages or letters. I wouldn’t know. I’ve asked my sailor for monthly lists of small things that sailors that don’t get things would like from Home so that would get things. I might as well try.

For the first time in months, I got to see him. It was but for a few seconds, but it was long enough for him to say he loved me. It made me so happy. He’s in port and his hair just cut and he still needs to shave, but he’s still handsome.

I love him!!!!

Hooyah

 

Maybe Next Time

Well, so far, deployment is going okay. My anxiety with life is high and I don’t know what I’m always going to do. I’ve been staying and that helps a lot. Writing this and reading a  lot of books and working more shifts definitely keeps me so busy that I’m sometimes too tired to be worried about anything. I know this also isn’t a good thing though. It will probably end up with me burning out sooner or later. But after doing this for about a month so far, I haven’t. I think I’m doing better. I feel better. I feel like I’m managing my emotions and etc much better.

But the thing that made my weekend was when he pulled into port and I got a text and picture of him smiling so big at me. I hadn’t seen his smile in a new picture in months. I woke up to that and I honestly squealed and just looked. This made my heart race. A schoolgirl all over again.

We texted until four in the morning (my time) and just talked about random things. Things about the past. About when he visited. About what we would have to do together in the future. About our families. About work on both ends. About a lot. This made me happy, I am happy.

Until I woke up one day three that I thought he would be able to talk.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I had to leave. I’m sorry we didn’t talk more. I’m sorry that we didn’t get the chance to video chat. I’m sorry that I had to leave you. I promise I’ll come home to you. I’m sorry. I love you. I’m sorry.”

Waking up to that both made my heart grow for the man and broke it at the same time. I know he would come to me. I know he didn’t like leaving for the job, I didn’t like it either, but I had learned to quietly gain the strength to push past that.

Going in to work today, I fought to stay numb until I could really smile. I fought to stay numb until I had a conversation that had me distracted enough to not think about it. I am grateful for the time I had to talk with him while he was in port. I am grateful that I got new pictures.

I am also greedy and want him more than I got.

Until next time.

Yes, next time.

 

Unreasonable, Maybe

As I’ve mentioned before, I have a goal. I have many goals, but one in particular that has come to me since my man has left for deployment.

“I’m going to look better than you when I come home.” The brat says. Okay then, I accept that challenge. I know he may not have meant it as a challenge, but I sure as hell took it as one.

I got a gym membership and changed my eating habits slightly. I have started taking the stairs at school. I hate doing this. I hate being “healthy”, even though I’m going into the medical field. BUT I must beat him at his challenge.

In the military, there are physical tests that each member must do. How often, I am not a 100% sure. I’ll get back to you on that. With these tests, the military has certain standards that the members have to meet. Every time my dude has done the test or a mock test, he’s hit the excellent mark. I’m proud. Now, looking at my goal… I’m nervous, but still proud.

I have looked at the male 20-24 standards of the Navy and decided that I will base my workout and everything else on that. I will win this competition. I have already gotten May’s status on his numbers and know where I need to get as of now.  I know he is busy and will be tired, but will try to make time to exercise nonetheless.

I know I probably shouldn’t weigh myself every week, as that might make me down on myself, but I do. I have lost some weight, yay me. As of the last two weeks however, I have stayed the same. Exactly the same. While at the gym though, I am beginning to be able to push myself harder with heavier weights and for a longer amount of time. It takes more for me to be sore, so I add more on and then I feel like crap and can barely walk or lift my arms. I just tell myself over and over again that I will beat his numbers when he comes home.

I just hope that I can. I know it is probably an unrealistic goal. I am going to try anyways. Wish me luck you guys.

Favorites

HISTORY & FACTS

Okay, let’s do something a little different you guys. Let’s use a little bit of google and maybe learn something. It’s going to be about the Navy, duh. Mostly just some dull dates and events in the past. I’ll add in some sarcastic remarks and then we can all go about our lives and hope it may come up in a trivia game show and win a million dollars. If this does happen, you own me at least $10. That is a honest disclaimer. You own me.

Okay. Navy’s Birthday. October 13, 1775. Jesus, this thing is old. Fun fact. The Navy is not the oldest branch of the military, the Army is. However, as this is the real birthday, it used to be celebrated on the 27th. The same day as Mr. Theodore Roosevelt’s DOB. Now that it is past 1972, everyone has gone back to it’s right day. I actually did not know the year, but I did know it was Oct 13th. I used to NJROTC and we celebrated it every year. Mostly by having pizza, watching military movies and then playing card games outside in the shade. As high school students, that was a heavenly way to celebrate something during school hours. Our principal didn’t know, of course. I doubt they will ever know. I hope not. That shit was awesome.

Alright, next. Submariners are volunteers. Being in a relatively closed off space and without windows, yea, it makes sense. These men and women have to go through extensive testing to make sure they are awesome enough to do it. Needless to say, these peeps are very important and should not be looked down upon just because they are squids. Cough.

What now? There are multiple schools. After basic training, there are required schooling for the sailors. All will go to schooling known as “A School”. What that translates into, I can’t remember. More or less, from what my man has told me. After the recruits take the ASVAB (basically a job placement test, get three picks and then it’s up to you) and after basic training, they have to be trained on their jobs. This is A School. A School is where they go to get trained. It, if I’m correct, still holds physical training similar to Basic but holds more academic steered towards their career. Now, for the multiple school part… There is C School. This is schooling for specified jobs. Sometimes, sailors will go straight to C School after A school and sometimes it may be months or years before going there. Some sailors may never go there while others of the same career may have. Not being in the military myself, I can not be a reliable source of that information. If you want more information, please email me and I will get back to you with more in depth answers. And I thought I had a lot of schooling. Techincally, I do. I am just going for my ASN right now and that’s looking like four years total. Then with my BSN, that’ll be another two or three years. Yea buddy, I got more schooling than you, but you have the rougher job…. So, military one, me zero.

And now… December 7, 1941-Pearl Harbor. All eight battleships were damaged in one way or another and four of them sank. All but the USS Arizona was raised and six were returned to service to later fight in the war. Many other other Naval vessels were either damaged or sunk, but the war went on. As war is not my favorite topic in the world, it is important. It’s apart of my relationship. It always has been, but never so close to home as now. Seeing these facts and knowing how well our Navy raised up, literally, from the rough seas in a time of need and won the war gives me some hope. What kind of hope, I’m not sure, but hope in something. I do have to say though…. Our Navy is the best fucking Navy ever.

To close the curtain For all branches, there are songs called Jodies. Because of my past with NJROTC and my love for my man and his career… I have to write y’all one. Keep in mind that I support all the branches, but Navy will always be my favorite. I’m bias.  But I have to share one of my all time favorite ones we used to sing while running or on drill meets.

Everywhere we go, people wanna know

who we are, so we tell them

We are not the Army

The backpacking Army,

We are not Air Force

The low flying Air Force,

We are not the Marines

They don’t even look mean,

We are not the Coast Guard

They don’t even work hard,

We are the Navy,

The mighty mighty Navy

We are the Navy

The world’s finest Navy

HOOYAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Good Food

Everyone loves some good food. Everyone. I don’t ever remember hearing someone say they don’t. Good food is always cause for celebration or it is the way we celebrate. In America at least. I haven’t been to other countries, so I can’t speak for them.

In the military, good food is either a celebration or a prep for bad news.

Today is good food. I was emailed by a fellow sailor, a friend of my guy and they are getting good food today. Today is bad news good food day.

He didn’t tell me what it is or who it applies to. I don’t think he knows yet, but they will soon enough. This worries me. I have been worried so much lately. I think it’s just been stress off of home stuff. I usually mix my worries and then it feeds into my other worries. It’s all crazy.

I hope they are all okay.