A Sit Down

You ever think that some topics are just too much to talk about? Even with the person you need to talk about it with the most. Let me put you mind at ease and say that everyone feels this way and I wrote it like this just to start off a good post. I did good, didn’t I?

I was laying down next to the man I love dearly and thinking about all the things in life. I have a habit of always thinking about heavy stuff when I’m cuddling close to someone. His arm wrapped around my waist, grossly breathing on the back of my neck in a semi cute way and just knowing that he loved me too. It was nice.

But me being me and thinking too far and too much. I started to cry. Before I get completely detailed into this, I want to blurt something out. I am terrified by the idea of marriage. It may sound weird coming from a female, but I am. Carrying on. I was crying and naturally, he tried turning me to face him, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to walk away and deal with my emotions alone. Thing is, in a relationship, you have to let the other person be there for you. Him and I both are guilty of trying to deal with problems on our own until they get to be too much and then we go to each other. It is a short fight and then stuff is fixed fast. His being here, with me, he didn’t let me go. Which is the majority off why I wanted to write this post. That fucking brat and what he did.

He freaking sat on me. He’s half naked and pinning me down. I’m angry at this point because I just want to be left alone. I’m yelling at him and trying to push him off me. I am pretty sure he was having a blast. He was laughing the whole time. He held my hands and pinned my feet in some weird ass way. I have no idea how. We were on the bed, until I flipped us off and managed to pin him on floor. It overall was really fun. He, in the middle of the whole thing, kept licking my face. It was gross. When he finally stopped licking my face, he asked what made me cry. I asked (again) for him to let me up and he didn’t.  He asked again.

I told him that I was afraid that he was going to leave for deployment and come back and not want me as his forever. That he wouldn’t love me. A bunch of other fears. The same fears he and I have addressed multiple times before and I’ve gotten over multiple times, but it was still scary for me. He got off, not enough for me to run off though. He listened to me talk and I started to cry again. He listened and wiped my tears.

Then I got sick because I worked myself up so much.

While I was in the bathroom, being super sexy (major sarcasm here) and throwing up, he pulled my hair up and rubbed my back. He told me it would be okay. When I was okay, he cupped my face, all hallmark. He told me that he was going to wait until he came home to talk to me about it in case I changed my mind about us, but since I got so worked up… I seemed okay. He had been thinking of marrying me once he got shore duty. I was super confused. When in the hell would he get shore duty? His contract was up in a few years.

His ass…. He signed again. Another four years. I know at least of those four, I don’t know if he signed for more than that. I have a gut feeling that he signed for more than those four years. He sat on the sink counter as I sat on the floor trying to take this in and understand all of it. I don’t know why it was hard to understand. It was only a few facts in the conversation. He wanted to marry me when his first contract was up. He signed again. He may have signed for more than four years. Those were the facts. But then why was it so hard to grasp?

Going back to my fear of marriage. I am not afraid of commitment, nope, I want my dude to be mine. I want him to be old and grey haired on a rocking chair next to me one day. I want that. I’m not going to tell him that now, but that’s what I want. I’ve hinted at it once or twice, but never told him outright. Maybe I should’ve or maybe I should now. I don’t know. My fear is that one day he may change his mind. I don’t tell him this either. I don’t tell him because in my head, I think that it might give it a stronger possibility. I know, logically, that’s not possibly, but that’s my thinking. I have horrible anxiety.

He’s brought up marriage before. That was interesting and honestly scary and exciting. I kept asking a million questions, which I think resulted in freaking him out. I’m not going to bother going into that story.

I love that man.

Crash Landing Dreams

Waking up in the middle of the night….

In tears, in a cold sweat, shaking….

You are so scared that you think you forget what happen, but the moment you think you did, it all  comes rushing back. That’s when all that you hope for is that you didn’t scream and that your family or neighbors didn’t know what happened. You cover your mouth and hope that you can compose yourself enough to calm down. It’s three am and you know you have work in the morning. You know you have to get back to sleep.

And after a few minutes, it is okay again. Your heart is not in your throat and your eyes aren’t flooding anymore. The only problem is that you still remember the dreams. How can you forget them? Not those kinds.

I dream a lot. I remember a lot of them. I’m lucky that I usually have good ones. Usually pretty dorky ones. Ones with my family or with animals or with my sailor. I usually have some great ones. Those ones I can wake up and smile and know that it can be real someday.

But it’s the other dreams, the evil ones, that no one likes to talk about that I have too. Everyone has them. They show in our sleep as a version of our deepest fear in the worse way and we can’t escape unless we wake up. What’s even worse is sometimes is that you can’t wake up. This happens to me often. Since this is a blog about being the military/Navy girlfriend…. Those are the dreams I’ll talk about.

I dream his ship will wreck.

I dream a major accident will happen.

I dream that the “small” disagreements will kill him.

I dream that he’s home and tries to save someone, getting hurt in the process.

I dream that he dies and doesn’t have enough air to tell me that he loves me.

Above all…. The worse one I have isn’t the one watching him die, it’s what happens after. Sitting in a black dress, black flats, numb to the core because I’m dead inside with him. I am sitting with his family, my family is sitting behind me. Some military man hands his stepfather the folded flag as his mother clings to me. Her baby is dead.

People say our relationship is Hollywood. That there is nothing imperfect about it. I don’t know about the other SOs, but this happens to me. I would say this is an imperfection. I assume it comes with the territory, but I’m just guessing. Being a military girlfriend/SO, we are held to a certain image. Some of us don’t know it, at least not at first. No one can explain that image to you, you just pick it up as you get further into the relationship. For me, I’ve noticed that other civis (civilians) expect me to be this super strong, bad ass woman. Sure, I can be, but the expectation is to be that all the time. That’s what it feels like. I’ve also noticed that since people learn my relationship status, they come to me for relationship advice. I’m not sure how this plays into it, but I feel it does. Like, she’s got the hardest relationship ever, she can help with my no job-cheating partner. Honey, all I’m going to tell you is to leave the bastard. I don’t care if you think you love him. He cheated on you. When I cry because I miss him (which isn’t often actually), they tell me it’s okay and then to stop. It’s okay to cry, but I can’t cry at the same time. When I asked about it once, the response shocked me. The girl asked, “Well, you knew he would leave or whatever right? You shouldn’t cry about something you knew was going to happen”. I got up and left before I ripped her hair out or something that might have sent me to jail. I have an image, we all have an image.

I love him and will always love him no matter what.

Hooyah

I promise

I swear I wasn’t high at 2100 (9 pm). Baking cookies, watching a new medical show and watching live surgeries online…. Nope.

One thing all the SO’s tell you is to stay busy. Most of the time it is school work, work or family that keeps me busy. Last night? Nope, when they all passed out early, I went straight for the kitchen and started baking. Something I haven’t done in years. I must say, I am very proud the house is still standing and only half the cookies are burnt. I haven’t a clue as to why I decided it would be a great idea to do this. I didn’t get to bed until one in the morning. Don’t know how in the fuck I had that much energy, Jesus.

While the first batch came out last night, I groaned at the black edges and threw another one in. I still kept them, hoping my family would still eat them. The kids probably wouldn’t care. But thinking as I was doing this, I did think of my dude. I knew that he wouldn’t eat burnt cookies. I knew that he would praise my effort, but would find a way to get rid of them or I would do it for him. I know this.

It makes me nervous to think about maybe living with him someday. I love him and that’s what I want, but I have been so busy with school and my job that I honestly haven’t had a lot of time to learn to truly “housewife”. I need to. So, a new goal…. This summer, I’m going to be a bad ass cook and baker before he comes home from deployment. I’m going to ask that his mom sends me all her stuff to learn it. I’m basically going to take at home cooking school. I will know this stuff.

I know how to clean and do laundry already. I know how to take care of kids. So, that’s a huge part of “housewifing”, but Lord knows that cooking…. FOOD is what really keeps everything going. It is the source of life! Even when you’re in your momma’s belly, it is food. That is all that matter.

I am writing this before lunch…. I am hungry. Probably will just post it and then go eat something nice. Yea…. that sounds nice.

Loving Something Older

Ask anyone. What are your thoughts on emails? Old schooled, maybe?

I think so too. They are dumb as shit.

Until they are all I have. Waking up to one and waiting to read one before going to sleep… That’s what I have now. And at this point, I’m okay with old schooled. I have to be. I love him.

He emailed me and said that he thought that he thinks he saw land for the first time since he left. He said he wasn’t sure if it was real or not and it scared him to not know. I wouldn’t even know what to think or feel. How would anyone know unless they were there? That’s not something that happens everyday.

He emailed me that he passed a test. He brushed it off as something as simple, but me being the bias girlfriend…. I’m proud and wanted to tell the world that he did good. He passed. We are still waiting to see how he did on his promotional test, but I know he got it. I know I’m bias, but I also know how much he studied. He refused to call me sometimes to go study for the test. I know he did good. We will find out soon. I am already proud of him. If the end of the world were tomorrow, my deadly sin would be pride.

He emails me the same thing every time and I can rely that I will read that at the bare minimum. That he loves me.

Even though this is an old school tradition, emails are, it’s something that I’m in love with because it keeps me close to someone who is so far from me. I miss him like crazy, but I know that with each passing day, it only brings him closer to coming home.

Hooyah

Benefits?

I was talking to someone the other day and they asked what the benefit was of dating in the military world. They had only read negative things or only heard negative things.

Maybe I’m crazy, a little bit, but I started laughing. I did…. I started laughing.

My first response was “his love and loyalty”.

I kept thinking. God, I love this man. I love him so much. I still get butterflies. Deep in my stomach that make me smile to think of him.

I kept replying on top of that. For me personally: “You know that every muscle he moves is focused on finishing the job so he can get it done and then come home. You know that he scrolls through all your pictures because he is craving your touch. You know that he saves all videos you/he makes because you never know when you’ll hear each other’s voice again. You know that he doesn’t care about anything else besides you and the job. That things become so much more clear for you. For him and things are much simpler.”

I know a lot of my posts are ranting and about past things that may have a hint of anger or resentment in it. I want to let you know that this relationship of mine is the best one I have ever had. Complications? Clearly. Hard times? Obviously. But I love him and I know that he loves me. I know that all the above is true. I know that he does everything he can to make sure I know he loves me. I know things are rough and limited for us. I know this, but we have made it this far. I love him.

I LOVE MY SAILOR. I LOVE MY GUY. I LOVE THE MAN WHO HAPPENS TO BE IN THE MILITARY. I LOVE A HERO. I LOVE MY HERO.

Art of Accepting

Rules of survival. First is shelter, then water, and finally food. Assessing, planning, and executing skills to survival will keep you actively engaged in the situation to keep you breathing and your heart beating.

Medically for the average healthy adult…. Blood pressure 120/80. Pulse 60 to 100 beats per minute at resting. Breathing rate 12 to 20 breathes a minute at resting. Temperature 98.6F.

Definition of survival: noun; the state or fact of continuing to live in spite of an accident, ordeal, or difficult circumstance.

NEXT

Definition of acceptance: noun; the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered.

Synonyms of love: affection, admiration, apperication, fondness, yearning, sentiment, devotedness, passion, entanglement, cherish, understandingness.

 

Keep in mind that some of this (cough, most) is coming from the internet. I wanted to bring this up in light of a reader of mine. I know how hard it is to accept this life. Trust me, I do nottttt have it as together as I seem I do. I write as things come to me. This is very random and personally factual, if that’s a thing. I wanted to address that this reader addressed resentment towards my sailor seeming easy in a way. No, it’s not. I’ve just had time to accept it. I do still resent his choice sometimes and I personally believe it’s okay to SOMETIMES, but not all the times. I do not write about those times because I do not want my readers to think that I am constantly thinking horribly of my dude. I’m not. I am thinking about him sleeping next to me, drool on his face and stealing the blankets on purpose. I do not write about it because I feel that it will enable the feeling of resentment for those new or going into this kind of relationship. I am not saying it’s not okay or not normal. It is so so normal and okay. But it is important, very very important that you learn to accept it. This post is solely directed to those who are the SO’s or those in the military whose SO’s are going through a hard time.

Accept it won’t be easy. Accept it will never be easy. If this were easy, everyone would be in this relationship, in this life, but their not. Only the strong are. Not downing anyone who’s not in a milso relationship. I’ve realized that apart of not wanting to accept this part of your partner’s life is maybe not the ability of your partner. You can cuss me out or tell me I’m wrong, okay, maybe I am. I’ll accept that. Thinking back to my relationship, however, it’s why I started to resent his choice of going into the military. I know his job and I used to think no one could do that kind of work, that no matter how much training anyone had, it couldn’t be done and that… that caused me to resent it. Why would he choose to do something so dumb and stupid and something that could get him hurt? Am I close? Why would he smile and love this job that scares me to death? Am I getting warmer?

Maybe take a step back, take yourself out of the equation for a moment. Put someone(a random name) in your spot and then ask those questions. Why would he do a job that he loves that scares his girl? It’s the same question, just without me/you in the equation. Sometimes taking a step back and trying to think outside of yourself helps you understand difficult situations. For my answer, the one that I came up with… He does it for her. He knows it scares her, but he does it because it (at the end of the day) saves her. He does it so that his family and friends can go to Disney Land or out to eat. He makes sacrifices everyday that sometimes, us SO’s don’t understand outside of our fear. And that’s okay. But he can do it. He’s been doing it and that’s because he’s been trained to do it.

Something you will learn along the way as a SO is fear is part of what keeps us going if you use it the right way. It takes a long time to manage that, I will write about it later. I can tell you that the SO’s sacrifice too. SO’s usually don’t get acknowledged for it, do not expect it.

This life is hard. It will never be easy. The thing is, if you love or want your partner enough, you two will make it work. It will work out. Have faith. In yourself. In your partner. In your relationship. In the training that the military gives them.

You must accept it.

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen

So, I love my man. I plan to marry the dork one day. Maybe pop out a few kids or just have a thousand dogs and horses. You know, the old fashioned dream. No white fence, it will get dirty and I doubt either of us will want to clean it. Or maybe just not me.

BUT….

I am tired of people (both genders!) thinking it’s okay to flirt with me, knowing damn well I am taken. If ya’ll don’t know, okay cool. I’m still going to shoot you down.

I am nice a lot of the time. But really…. Respect my damn relationship. I don’t care that Jessica so and so went and cheated on her man with blah… NO, I don’t care. I ain’t no Jessica. Sorry to all the Jessica’s, first name that came to mind.

From customers at work to classmates to actual coworkers…. I’m tired of it. I am sad to say, I am okay with becoming mean if it means they will leave me be. I am not interested!

I have a man. I am happy with my man. I love and am in love with my man. I do not want anyone else.

What bring this up, you might ask? A coworker backing me into a cornering, protesting love and asking me to leave my sailor for him. This coworker of mine has been a friend to me for months and he was in the military. As I know that has no real relevance, he was supportive and helped give me a different view point when I was struggling with something. I realize now that maybe I shouldn’t have gone to him. I know I clearly shouldn’t have gone to him. He was the only person I knew that had some similar situations and I wanted to understand.  Having a really rough day, ending up crying, this coworker comforted me. Didn’t make a move at this point. I was granted and voiced so. I later had waited with him after my shift to talk until my ride came and got me from work. Then the cornering happened. It was intense and I was more than uncomfortable. I don’t care what he felt or whatever, he knew I was taken and happy. He knew.

I ended up walking away, not talking to him. I didn’t report him for harassment as I should’ve out of fear. He is in a power position. I no longer see him since moving into the pharmacy. Let me tell you the amount of relief. It really does suck though. I thought he was a friend that I could rely on, but I guess not. I am sick, it makes me sick to think about it.

Since his first “pursuit”, he has since continued to make moves towards me. Thankful to my coworkers, I have been successful in dodging this. I am becoming resentful of ever meeting this guy. I am close to hating him. I worry for the day I snap. I don’t remember the last time I snapped at someone. It will be bad. I am really worried about it.

Lord, give me self control. Give me patience. Give me strength. Strength to not knock his teeth out.