Only More Confusion

In the bathroom, when he was with me…. He seemed hesitate at first to tell me he wanted to marry me in the future. As he continued to talk, he got excited and even had the look of a child in a candy shop. The famous comparison of happiness and awe. It was mutual that we wanted and needed to wait. This was our future and something not to just toss the dice at, for our thoughts at least. Maybe we are crazy or paranoid. I don’t know. I think it’s rather smart. Wanting to wait until I have my degree and him wanting to wait until…. whatever he has in mind. I don’t think he’s made up his mind yet. He’s already signed the extension. I know in his heart he wants to make a career out of the Navy and I support him. I know this is what he wants, but I think he is now uncertain because I am now a part of the equation. I love him, but he’s dumb sometimes.


I wish I knew what happened to the candy shop love of marriage. Or the thought of it, at least. My only theory is that he has set off again on the second part of the deployment today and/or other people’s conversations may be influencing the thoughts. I wish I knew.

“It’s not going to change anything. It’s just a piece of paper. It’s only legal and about money.”

He never once brought up the issue or thoughts of money. It was never spoken. My reasoning behind wanting to wait is two simple reason. One, I want to be with my husband as much as possible and in the same state. Two, I want my degree through non martial finical aid and then being able to help support us. I was already thinking of this but refused to speak on it. His 27k a year (which he doesn’t know I know) and my part time 10k a year would be hard to live off of in a new house and a new car. He has dreams of all these things and no thinking of starting small. Dumbass. So, having a degree would make it a little easier.


After waiting and crying for many many nights and struggle to focus in school. Lord help me. I got my answers. And let me start with they are dumb.

He wants to be able to provide for me, wants to be able to support us in a legal way.

He wants to give me a big house with a yard that could hold the two dogs I beg him for our future. And that would accommodate the children we’ve been talking about as a possibility.

He wants to give me materialistic happiness.

I am happy with a studio as long as I get to be with him and get my job. Preferably get my dog or two. Children will come and he needs to stop worrying if the Navy will take away from our life. It won’t. I’ve already thought of all this.

Videos and pictures. I watch all his videos when I’m down or miss him until I feel better and can keep going. When we have children, we can make videos like that. We can have pictures meant for certain things. I’ve thought of these things. I know how to make this work. I wish he would trust me a little more.


I already have my maid of honor since I was 14. My cousin has already started her speech and I want her to give me away. We have a family wedding gown… I’ve already tried it on and only my cousin has seen me in it. Maybe I’m biased, but I look great in it.

I am ready to be with him forever. I love him.


A Test Given

A patient came in asking about my navy necklace. I told them I was in love with a sailor and waiting for him to come home from deployment. He was about 35 ish and gave me a grin that women closer to his age would start to melt. I laughed and pointed at him, telling him I was taken and saw what he was doing. He gave me his ID that I need to sell him something, a military ID. He knew what he was looking for. He wanted to see if I was tempted to be unfaithful and I openly and even rudely laughed in his face. I could’ve gotten in trouble and he knew this too. He shook my hand and said thank you for being faithful to my brother who’s fighting. He went ahead and mocked his past actions and kissed my hand. I didn’t bother doing anything but rolling my eyes and laughing. He knew I wasn’t interested. He walked away and I smiled at the gesture and thought that he was happy by my faithfulness to my man. He didn’t know me. He grinned over his shoulder at me. I waved, shaking my head.

Closing the pharmacy, I rubbed the back of my neck and a younger man came up to me asking about pain relievers. I was tired and off the clock, but it was my job to help. I walked him back to the aisle. He smiled at me, most girls would fawn and blush but I pointed and told the man which was the most popular. He turned and started flirting with me. It was subtle but all girls would feel it and notice… he was smooth and he knew it. I excused myself, telling him I had shopping to do. He smiled, pullin out his wallet and showed me his ID. Military. He grinned wider, shook my hand and walked away towards the door.

i shrugged it off, having worked a fourteen hour shift and not giving a damn about anything but getting home and sleeping after a late dinner. I reached to the top shelf to grab something, knowing it was probably going to fall. A hand rested on my back, where my bare skin had shown. I turned and backed away, wide awake. A tall, dark man I would have to admit was fairly good looking handed me item, giving me a sinful smile. I felt naked and uncomfortable. He rested his hand down my arm and looked into my eyes. This was too much. I backed away from him. I looked at him and shook my head. I started to yell at him “I am taken don’t -“ he nodded, putting his hand out. The man from the medicine aisle came around the corner. The man I had helped and looked about 35 came around the corner. I looked at all of them and shook my head. I said “don’t touch me or I’ll scream”.

The man reached out his hand to me. I did not take his hand, I don’t care if he kissed it earlier. I felt like a target…. this man planned this and I didn’t feel like playing anymore. He said “we wanted to test how loyal you were to your sailor. I got two of the most attractive men I know that easily get women in their bed and wanted to test it. I knew you would pass, but I had a gift that I wanted to make sure you deserved since you love one of our own. You are under financial request within us three men can do for you, starting with your groceries.” The men pulled out their cards of who they were and their ranks were impressive. I had gained favor of military commanders for being loyal, for being rude and mean to prove my loyalty….. the other two men took my groceries and my list and left me with the older man.

I wish this were a dream, but I have three new contacts in my phone. I feel somewhat uncomfortable having them, my man thinks it’s amazing of how everything happened-that it’s funny. He knows I worry about money a lot even when I don’t need to. He’s pushed me to call the men everytime I go shopping. My bank account has grown in the last two weeks like crazy and I’m not sure what to do…..

Be loyal!!!!!

Let’s Talk About Money

First and foremost, I am not a gold digger. I could care less about his money. In fact, If I worked full time, it is possible for me to make more than he does at my current job. Much more if I did overtime. Wait until I become that bad ass nurse. In fact, I hate gifts. I get nervous around birthdays or holidays or when gifts come up in topics. It gives me anxiety and I just don’t like it.

My friend is pregnant and her husband is deployed with my guy. I have to say from my point of view, it is better now that he is gone due to the fact he left his wife in debt. His wife is pregnant, didn’t both to see if Tricare (medical military insurance) was set up for her, and bought alcohol all the time.

I know it’s not my business, but it is the money aspect that she talks to me about that makes me nervous. I’ve had to help a number of times to make sure she can keep the car from being taken because he doesn’t know how to handle the money.

This makes me nervous when I think of my future. Whether it be with my sailor or not. Naturally, I think with my sailor, but while he’s gone, I am starting to think about it alone. I know that in the future, he will be deployed again and again and I will have to deal with the money part of life while he’s gone. It’s a part of life no one likes talking about because it sucks to talk about. No one likes talking about this kind of thing because it is the number one thing that causes divorce.

I love my man, but sometimes I think he is so stupid. We are not married, yet he has given me his bank account once upon a time. To be honest, I forgot it. I don’t need it. When I did see it, I saw debt and it made me nervous and made me want to back out. I don’t want to go into a serious relationship with a person that doesn’t know how to handle money responsibly. Having talked to my man about it, it turned out that he had overspent his money trying to take care of this wife friend of mine and the husband/shipmate of his. The debt was an attempt to help others, but fucking him up. I just hope his credit will be okay. I want to be honest, the whole thing still makes me nervous. I don’t want to be raising adults with a child of their own. I don’t want my boyfriend doing that. My man is 20 years old and doing this while trying to get up himself. It pisses me off because how is he supposed to grow for himself and go far in life if he’s constantly holding other people up. I want him to let them go. My man is smart, he’s smart with money, I know he is. He just needs to choose to be smart with why he spends it.

He’s brought up marriage with me and even though stability is never promised in the military, money can be easier if done responsibly. I like to think I am good with money. I am not in debt and take good care of myself medically and with school. If I am going to marry him someday, I want to feel comfortable in knowing that we won’t be raising them. God, I feel like a bitch for saying it about a friend, but I want to make sure my future is as stable as it can be. I want my future to be with him and I want it to be as stable as possible.

Money complicates everything. Money sucks….. Kinda.

I love him. We agreed to talk about everything money wise before making big decisions.