Home, Not Home, Home

I get the feeling the military loves fucking with SO’s emotions or our mental health.

I’m pretty sure they get a kick out of it.

Wonder if they’d like a kick in the balls. Sounds like a good idea to me. Mhmm, a really good idea to me.

So, everyone that’s read some or all of my whiny, personal blog knows that my sailor had recently gotten home. Back in December. It is now…. March. Forgive me. I actually had to look.

Here back in late Jan, my wonderful man came and visited me. Had an amazing time. My family got to truly meet him and they like him. We spent too much money in Barnes & Nobles. Had a good time.

Back to the current month. March, what a wonderful month. St. Patrick’s Day, an excuse to pinch people and not get hit in return. Parades around the city just for the Irish holiday. The month that shows that spring is coming.

Unless you’re in the military. Then they will send you off again. You don’t get parades if you’re in the military. Spring doesn’t matter to your captain. There are no seasons on your nuclear carrier. Only weapons of mass destruction. Pinching people lead to fights regardless of the Irish tradition of the homeland. Remember, you’re in the military. Those things don’t apply to you anymore.

He had only gotten home a few months ago and now getting ready to leave again on another deployment. It will be months of underways before he leaves again, but a deployment nonetheless.

I read in a book once that out of a four year active contract, a married couple will see each other a total of MAYBE 1/10 to 1/7 of the contract time. Sounds about right to me. Amante has a year and a half left. After the deployment, he’ll be done. That’s five years of contracted work.  I’ve seen him three times. I haven’t done the math, I don’t want to out of the possibility of becoming depressed. But I know it’s low.

 

The military gives and takes.

So love what you get.

I love him.

Hooyah

Hey Guys, I’m back

I am so sorry for not updating and writing lately.

I have been starting a new semester and working more. I have just started getting a little more time and I’ll be able to write more.

I love coming back and seeing how many more followers I have and votes on my other posts. I really appreciate it.

 

Alright, so being a SO! Still a good life.

Today was a bit hard though. I woke up and I was wanting so much to wake up next to him. I wanted so bad to have to wake up in the middle of the night and shove him so I can have room on the bed too. I wanted so bad to wake up and his hand running through my hair, him calling me beautiful. I miss him. I crave him. I crave his love and kisses.

It was only last month that he was here on leave, but it was still too long ago. I got to have him for a whole week. The time before was only two and a half days. I am so lucky for this time. So lucky.

I want to be greedy though. I laugh at the comment in my head, but it’s true. I know a lot of other SOs can probably nod and say they understand. Followed by a heavy sigh, right? Yup, that’s how that small internal conversation goes.

He also got to meet all of my family in this city. It was… interesting as his quiet self was being questioned and being around a bunch of loud people of my blood. It was great though.

Marriage was talked again when he was here. The same night I found out he was set for another deployment. Talk about a broken heart. Being strong in this life is sometimes hard. Sometimes it’s impossible. This was one of those times it was beyond impossible. He just got home from deployment. I just got him back.

FUCK YOU NAVY!!!!

They are always taking him. It wasn’t until I had to say “See ya later” that I realized how much I hated airplanes. Not fear, hate. Absolute anger, resentment and pure hate. Airplanes were the machinery that took him from me. And maybe that’s stupid to be angry about….. But in my opinion, it’s probably better to be angry at a stupid airplane than the thing mi Amante (my lover) has vowed his life to.

But hey….

What’s love? Choosing to be with someone through all the shit and flowers.

I love him. I choose all his shit and flowers. I just prefer the flowers in his life.

Favorites

HISTORY & FACTS

Okay, let’s do something a little different you guys. Let’s use a little bit of google and maybe learn something. It’s going to be about the Navy, duh. Mostly just some dull dates and events in the past. I’ll add in some sarcastic remarks and then we can all go about our lives and hope it may come up in a trivia game show and win a million dollars. If this does happen, you own me at least $10. That is a honest disclaimer. You own me.

Okay. Navy’s Birthday. October 13, 1775. Jesus, this thing is old. Fun fact. The Navy is not the oldest branch of the military, the Army is. However, as this is the real birthday, it used to be celebrated on the 27th. The same day as Mr. Theodore Roosevelt’s DOB. Now that it is past 1972, everyone has gone back to it’s right day. I actually did not know the year, but I did know it was Oct 13th. I used to NJROTC and we celebrated it every year. Mostly by having pizza, watching military movies and then playing card games outside in the shade. As high school students, that was a heavenly way to celebrate something during school hours. Our principal didn’t know, of course. I doubt they will ever know. I hope not. That shit was awesome.

Alright, next. Submariners are volunteers. Being in a relatively closed off space and without windows, yea, it makes sense. These men and women have to go through extensive testing to make sure they are awesome enough to do it. Needless to say, these peeps are very important and should not be looked down upon just because they are squids. Cough.

What now? There are multiple schools. After basic training, there are required schooling for the sailors. All will go to schooling known as “A School”. What that translates into, I can’t remember. More or less, from what my man has told me. After the recruits take the ASVAB (basically a job placement test, get three picks and then it’s up to you) and after basic training, they have to be trained on their jobs. This is A School. A School is where they go to get trained. It, if I’m correct, still holds physical training similar to Basic but holds more academic steered towards their career. Now, for the multiple school part… There is C School. This is schooling for specified jobs. Sometimes, sailors will go straight to C School after A school and sometimes it may be months or years before going there. Some sailors may never go there while others of the same career may have. Not being in the military myself, I can not be a reliable source of that information. If you want more information, please email me and I will get back to you with more in depth answers. And I thought I had a lot of schooling. Techincally, I do. I am just going for my ASN right now and that’s looking like four years total. Then with my BSN, that’ll be another two or three years. Yea buddy, I got more schooling than you, but you have the rougher job…. So, military one, me zero.

And now… December 7, 1941-Pearl Harbor. All eight battleships were damaged in one way or another and four of them sank. All but the USS Arizona was raised and six were returned to service to later fight in the war. Many other other Naval vessels were either damaged or sunk, but the war went on. As war is not my favorite topic in the world, it is important. It’s apart of my relationship. It always has been, but never so close to home as now. Seeing these facts and knowing how well our Navy raised up, literally, from the rough seas in a time of need and won the war gives me some hope. What kind of hope, I’m not sure, but hope in something. I do have to say though…. Our Navy is the best fucking Navy ever.

To close the curtain For all branches, there are songs called Jodies. Because of my past with NJROTC and my love for my man and his career… I have to write y’all one. Keep in mind that I support all the branches, but Navy will always be my favorite. I’m bias.  But I have to share one of my all time favorite ones we used to sing while running or on drill meets.

Everywhere we go, people wanna know

who we are, so we tell them

We are not the Army

The backpacking Army,

We are not Air Force

The low flying Air Force,

We are not the Marines

They don’t even look mean,

We are not the Coast Guard

They don’t even work hard,

We are the Navy,

The mighty mighty Navy

We are the Navy

The world’s finest Navy

HOOYAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Underway….. SUCKS

Let me tell you about one of the worse parts… Well, on my side, being the girl of, wanting my man and all. Underway suck balls. Majorly sucks. Underway is when they take out the ship for an extended amount of time as a training for deployment. Kinda like a scrimmage before a football game. Difference? Sometimes these underways can last for about two months, more or less. It sucks! And the actual game can last for around a year, more or less. Screw my life. Limited communication usually through email only. I’m lucky to get one every two days. Phone calls? Out of the five months worth of underways we’ve been through, I’ve gotten one. The crappy part is the cost of those calls. For half an hour, it was about $60. I didn’t know at first until a wife told me. My sailor didn’t tell me, he knows I worry about money. I know what his bank account looks like and I have anxiety like crazy. I know he’s smart with money and I have no reason to worry, but my brain automatically does it.

If you caught from the paragraph above, five months of our eleven-month relationship have been him on the water training for fucking deployment. I try to not think about it. Deployment. I try not thinking about the fact that the military is constantly taking him away. I can’t blame or hate him or the military as this is the life he choose. That is the worse thing an SO can do. Resent their partner for their life choice. I can’t imagine the mental part or emotional part of what he has to go through. He doesn’t talk about it a lot, always wants to be the strong rock. I let him be because I know it makes him happy, but I push often that it’s okay that he’s not always. That it’s okay that he can be not okay with me, I’m not going to tell anyone. It’s okay to not be okay. He’s gotten a lot better about it. He tends to rant more about stuff now. At first, I used to think it was kinda funny because I thought it was fake. I didn’t realize he was being “not okay”, that he was opening up more to me. He has always been really reserved. It’s always pissed me off and I slowly (at first) worked at forcing him to open up to me. Now, when he rants, honestly? I fall a little more in love with him. I love that he feels okay with talking to me about this stuff. I know he doesn’t even talk to his mother about it. I don’t tell her. I know it’s not my place.

Dang, that took a detour. My bad. But of all the veterans and other SOs I’ve talked to, to not resent his choice has been the biggest demand of this life. It was the hardest thing to do at first. I had to learn quickly. I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut when I did resent it at first.

Let me tell you about the first underway. It was bad….. Really bad. It was during that underway that I realized that I loved him. It was a few months into our relationship. I didn’t know he was leaving, brat didn’t tell me he was leaving. I have had ex’s that had just disappeared, coming back only to tell me that they cheated and found someone that would actually sleep with them (I’m a virgin and want to stay that way until marriage). I thought it was happening all over again. I thought he disappeared and found another girl, maybe not to sleep with as he didn’t seem like the guy to go sleeping around or to cheat, but I wasn’t thinking. At first, I assumed he lost his phone for the day and then the next day he just had to work overnight. I knew it couldn’t happen for a third day, but by the second day I was already freaking out. Day three, going home from work and I had been crying before work and during my breaks and my friend was taking me to a family member’s house. I broke down in her car. I. Broke. Down. I had never felt so emotionally attached to someone before and felt torn in half at not knowing where he was. I felt abandoned and pathetic for crying over a guy. My mom always told me to never cry over a guy. Never let a guy hurt me bad enough to bring tears to my eyes. I normally would be hurt for a little bit and then get over it and have no more issue. Why was this different? My friend had never seen me cry. I am the happy, out-going type that seems to never have a reason to cry. She did not know what to do and since I was such a mess, she suggested bringing me to the hospital. NO WAY. First, I didn’t have insurance. Second, I was not about to do that over some guy. Nope. Not worth it.

It was day five, a weekend and I get a call from an unknown number. Usually I never answer them, but because I have been a mess as of late, I don’t think and just pick it up. I hear his voice. It’s different. It sounds cold. I step out of the room and listen as he explained it was his first underway. I was still frustrated as hell with him and screamed my head off at him. I needed to know if he was leaving. I needed to know something. I needed to have some sense of security with instability.

 

As of now…. As a military SO, you have to get comfortable with the uncomfortableness (for all you who love grammar and are Nazis, I am making this a word) of instability of what the military slaps you with. It’s the only way to survive. No other way. You have to rely on hope and faith. Hope that everything will be okay. You have to trust it. You have to trust the things that might make you cry at night or want to rip your hair out. But you have to trust it. I hate his job, with a burning passion. I know it’s not safe. But I trust that he knows what he’s doing. He loves his job and I have to trust that.

An older veteran once told me that the worse thing I could do for my sailor is to resent his choice in joining the military. Thinking at the time, I thought it was dumb, that I would never do it. To be honest, I did. I was lucky enough to have someone point it out to me before it took hold and ruin things. I got over it real quick. I love my man and will do whatever it takes. However much it may suck and it sucks major balls. The military sucks.

To add the disclaimer again: This is a blog of ranting and other random crap that comes to my mind. If you don’t like it, sorry for your lack of amusement. Hope you find something to make you smile. Smiling is good for your health.

Hooyah

Facts and Thoughts

This has probably been one of the biggest things in my whole relationship that I forgot to inform you guys. My bad. I honestly don’t know how I forgot to say this.

My sailor and I… We are long distance. We met online if you read before. So, we have known each other for about a year and a half now. We’ve been dating for almost a year. This whole blog is going to be a bunch of memories and etc. With this fact in mind, we have not met each other, as of this post. A year of becoming beyond emotional attached to this man and holding on and never giving up hope. I love him.

Damn, is it hard. Not knowing when I might hear from him again. I know that’s pretty common anyways with military relationships, but this is a different kind of roughness. I am not lessening any problems or difficulties of other relationships, this is my story and view of things.

People are always asking “Is it hard?” or “Don’t you miss him?”. I have a really bad habit of being sarcastic when I shouldn’t be. I give a tight smile and nod slightly and try to not keep eye contact. Who wouldn’t miss the person they love? Who would say it’s easy to be so far away from the person who stole your heart? I can’t come up with any names. I can’t even fathom someone like that could exist. If this person does, come here and teach me your ways. Please.

“It’s not a real relationship if you can’t be physical” is another common thing I hear. I don’t know how to explain how much this hurts to hear. More than anything, it makes me feel isolated. I used to be so angry and full of resentment towards these people, but I have to remember they don’t understand this life. It took a while to completely accept this reality. I can’t be angry with people who don’t understand. It isn’t right on my part. I know that friends of mine whom I rant to about such things, they get angry on my behalf. While it makes me feel good to know that somehow who doesn’t understand is still willing to stand up for me and my relationship, I can’t ask them to act on it.

“You can’t miss someone who you haven’t met before” is the worse one. My heart, my soul feels broken slightly every time I hear it. I know in a way this is true, but they don’t know us. I believe you can miss everyone and anyone. I never met Robin Williams and miss him dearly. This honestly came up in a fight one day with my guy. It was the first time I heard him cry, the only time he did. My heart broke hearing him in so much pain. I remember screaming on the phone this saying I’ve heard so many times. He was begging me to never say it again, that he missed me every day. He was sobbing and in honesty, we ended up crying together for another half hour trying to gather ourselves. It took a while as hearing each other like that was the most painful thing we have been through in our young lives. In honesty, I am getting teary eyed just thinking about it. I remember his pain. I hate when he hurts. I hate when he’s had a long day and is grumpy. I hate when shit on the ship is dramatic. I hate when things go wrong. But I love him and put some stuff aside for him.

My mama is a smart woman, I think I’ve said this before. She always talked about popular men in society and women’s role in that guy’s success. “Every strong man has an even stronger woman behind him”. I always think about that when crap gets rough for me. I know that some people would say this is sexist, my bad, but we all do certain stuff to make ourselves feel better. If you say you don’t, I’m not going to believe you. I am not your judge, that’s for you to decide.

Being far away from him is hard. Going to sleep, knowing that he isn’t next to me is hard. I know that I haven’t slept next to him before, but still, it’s a nice dream. Waking up in the morning, him brushing aside my hair, saying good morning and running off to work again for another day. I know that sounds so mundane, but it is a heavenly dream to me. I literally dream about it. Sappy and corny, I know, but it’s my dream nonetheless.

I love him.

Hooyah

Featured

Military Girlfriend

Hello everyone that google brought you here.

Nice to know that you have looked up something like this and I hope this helps with whatever you are looking for.

I can tell you now that I am here, writing this as a Navy Girlfriend. Military, Navy- the girlfriend of, you get my point.

I will say that being the girlfriend of a military service member, we don’t get a whole lot of support and a lot of backlash. Wives and husbands are offered support through the military itself, but girlfriends? We are viewed as any other civilian. While at first this makes sense, the closer we get closer to our men/women, it hurts and gets frustrating to not know what the wives and husbands know.  I know that when I first started dating my sailor, I thought I was bad ass enough to not need support. I WAS WRONG! No matter how strong you are, whether or not you were raised in a military family, you will need support. This life is hard and having someone that understands that you can talk to… It’s nice.

I will go ahead and let you know if you didn’t slightly catch it so far, I will cuss and show my frustration and etc. This is first-hand emotions, thoughts, and facts of a military girlfriend. I am not going to bother correcting myself because others might get a little butthurt. Sorry in advance if that’s you. Us, military SOs (significant other), hold a decent image when we talk to people, but going home at the end of the day? We cry, we scream, we cuss and wish the military was a person so we could cause physical violence to it. We are not perfect and some of us reasonably admit to not be. I am not perfect nor will I ever be.

I will keep this updated as much as possible.

Hooyah.

 

Updated fact: These are being written and published, but somehow being put in backward. So, the first ones are at the very bottom and the most recent are right after this one.

Meeting a Stranger

I was always raised to not talk to strangers and definitely not online. My mama is a smart woman and did her best to teach a very stubborn girl, me. And that is me, a very stubborn girl.

My name is Marie. I am a 19-year-old college student in for nursing. I work as a pharmacy technician. I would say I am doing pretty well for myself so far.

Another note… I am a United States Navy Girlfriend.

Not always the best title to have when introducing yourself to new people. Especially these days. I’ll be honest. I am subject to harassment and judgment and cruelty because of this title. He doesn’t know that I get this. From what I hear from other military SOs (significant others), the SOs get it worse sometimes than the actual service member. I haven’t been able to compare his experience to mine, but I know I get it.

Above all else? I am proud to take all of that for him.

So, how did all of this happen? Here’s my part of this life.

 

I woke up one day, wanting to support the military in a new way. I searched online to find ideas and writing letters to deployed service members was very common. It took me a little bit to find a good site, but I did. I signed up and was given a list of service members that were either deployed or getting ready to deploy. I honestly searched for the first Navy member and he came up. He seemed way too nonchalant about everything and it was completely off-putting. It annoyed me. He didn’t even want to be on the site, he lost a bet and had to sign up and he wasn’t even set to be deployed. I gave him some of my patience, figuring that he was just moody. I even thought he was boring. We spent the next few months slowly getting to know each other. Once we became somewhat of friends, we started talking over the phone. I can still remember the first time hearing his voice. It is deep and has a slight country tinge to it. I knew immediately that I wanted to hear it again. It probably would’ve sounded like any other voice to most people, but it was different for me because I knew it belonged to him. I realized during that phone call that I had more than friend feelings for him. What was I about to get myself into with him? I didn’t think anything else, I ignored reason.

Over the next few months, we had been flirty after that call, which only lead to more and more calls. It was clear to both of us that we had feelings for each other. Although this was true, we never talked about it. It was bad, we danced around that bush so long. He had never had a girlfriend before and I had been hurt so many times by my ex’s. We knew this and silently had an understanding.

I couldn’t take it anymore, I needed to at least to hear him say he liked me back or something. I wanted to talk about it. It almost felt like I needed to. Of course, it had to happen when he had a bad day, I will get to that in a second. I was upset about something and yelled at him. I will admit that I have a bad habit of taking some of my anger and frustration out on others, but have gotten better. I asked why he never told me he liked me, why he never showed me much affection outside the bad pickup lines he would send me every once in a while if he even liked me at all. I knew that he liked me, but in that moment it felt impossible. Too many emotions on my part kills any realistic thinking I should’ve had. He tried to tell me he wanted to talk about it another day, keeping his cool. I got mad and pushed back. He may not have cared for me(I thought), but I did and wanted answers on the topic. He finally gave in, sighing and explained that it had been a long hard day, but that he wanted me to know that he did like me and had feelings for me. I felt so happy, above the clouds and felt like I should at least ask what happened to make his day crappy. Hoping that after my actions of a child, he would forgive it and talk to me.

He was being deployed.

My heart… sunk. We talked for a while about it. I was crying the whole time, thinking of what could happen. I knew the military held dangers in every part. An army reserve friend is currently deployed. Most would think that only active duty gets deployed, I guess not. I learned better. He told me it wouldn’t be for a while, but it was promised. He told me that his current job was dangerous, but that he was trained.

After talking about the deployment, we talked about us and agreed that because his deployment and my education/work, that it wasn’t good timing and that it would be better to see how things were after he came home. I was in last semester of high school at the time. He had only been in the Navy for about a year.

We were just talking one day and I blurted out that I already called him “My man” when I talk to other friends as I honestly did. I wanted him to be mine, even though we made the agreement. He was quiet for a minute and asked me if I would be his girl. I said yes and became his first girlfriend and he became my first military boyfriend. This was new for both of us and might as well have been my first relationship, my first real relationship at least.

A week before we became official, we started video chatting. I swear I was like a school girl seeing him. Getting butterflies and blushing just seeing him. I still am this way. I had picked up a part-time job and am a full-time student. He works 12-16 hour shifts almost every day. Timing really does suck, but waking up to him saying that he wishes me a good day at school and that I better learn something and that he can’t wait to talk to me later. Every day I work, we talk on every break I have. It’s usually the only time we can really talk. I wanted to start writing semi-romantic letters for him to take with him.  I don’t know if it will be the right timing.

I wanted the letters to be that I am telling him everything that I am sometimes afraid to tell him and I really want him to know. I tell him all my thoughts on our relationship and what I hope happens. I write about how much I like him in my life. I write about the times he made me smile (always). And I write about the songs he sent me. The number one that he sends me, the one he told me to listen to when I was worried while he is deployed is Soldier by High Valley.

I am worried about him. I always will be. I have come to really like him and like him in my life. I like how close I feel to him. I like how I feel safe and comfortable with him. I like that he makes sure I am happy and tries to help me when I’m not.

I am a proud United States Navy Girlfriend and I will wait for my Sailor as long as it takes. Distance doesn’t kill anything, only makes things harder and shows you what really matters.

 

Part of why I wanted to write this is because as a girlfriend, we don’t get support through the military like the spouses do. Granted, I don’t know how good that support is, I know that I have lack of it. My family hasn’t had this kind of relationship happen before and I feel like I’m walking in the dark. I am involved with a few support groups on Facebook and while that helps, it’s mostly wives. I know they have been in my spot before, but with our lives, we have to keep moving and learn quickly from the past and jump twenty feet forward. I want to write this as the girlfriend so that maybe other girlfriends can find this and relate, understand and feel understood. You are not alone. I promise. We are out here. No matter what happens, you are strong and you should always remind yourself of that.

I will keep updating this. Keep tuned if you wish.

God bless. Hooyah.