Only More Confusion

In the bathroom, when he was with me…. He seemed hesitate at first to tell me he wanted to marry me in the future. As he continued to talk, he got excited and even had the look of a child in a candy shop. The famous comparison of happiness and awe. It was mutual that we wanted and needed to wait. This was our future and something not to just toss the dice at, for our thoughts at least. Maybe we are crazy or paranoid. I don’t know. I think it’s rather smart. Wanting to wait until I have my degree and him wanting to wait until…. whatever he has in mind. I don’t think he’s made up his mind yet. He’s already signed the extension. I know in his heart he wants to make a career out of the Navy and I support him. I know this is what he wants, but I think he is now uncertain because I am now a part of the equation. I love him, but he’s dumb sometimes.

 

I wish I knew what happened to the candy shop love of marriage. Or the thought of it, at least. My only theory is that he has set off again on the second part of the deployment today and/or other people’s conversations may be influencing the thoughts. I wish I knew.

“It’s not going to change anything. It’s just a piece of paper. It’s only legal and about money.”

He never once brought up the issue or thoughts of money. It was never spoken. My reasoning behind wanting to wait is two simple reason. One, I want to be with my husband as much as possible and in the same state. Two, I want my degree through non martial finical aid and then being able to help support us. I was already thinking of this but refused to speak on it. His 27k a year (which he doesn’t know I know) and my part time 10k a year would be hard to live off of in a new house and a new car. He has dreams of all these things and no thinking of starting small. Dumbass. So, having a degree would make it a little easier.

 

After waiting and crying for many many nights and struggle to focus in school. Lord help me. I got my answers. And let me start with they are dumb.

He wants to be able to provide for me, wants to be able to support us in a legal way.

He wants to give me a big house with a yard that could hold the two dogs I beg him for our future. And that would accommodate the children we’ve been talking about as a possibility.

He wants to give me materialistic happiness.

I am happy with a studio as long as I get to be with him and get my job. Preferably get my dog or two. Children will come and he needs to stop worrying if the Navy will take away from our life. It won’t. I’ve already thought of all this.

Videos and pictures. I watch all his videos when I’m down or miss him until I feel better and can keep going. When we have children, we can make videos like that. We can have pictures meant for certain things. I’ve thought of these things. I know how to make this work. I wish he would trust me a little more.

 

I already have my maid of honor since I was 14. My cousin has already started her speech and I want her to give me away. We have a family wedding gown… I’ve already tried it on and only my cousin has seen me in it. Maybe I’m biased, but I look great in it.

I am ready to be with him forever. I love him.

 

A Test Given

A patient came in asking about my navy necklace. I told them I was in love with a sailor and waiting for him to come home from deployment. He was about 35 ish and gave me a grin that women closer to his age would start to melt. I laughed and pointed at him, telling him I was taken and saw what he was doing. He gave me his ID that I need to sell him something, a military ID. He knew what he was looking for. He wanted to see if I was tempted to be unfaithful and I openly and even rudely laughed in his face. I could’ve gotten in trouble and he knew this too. He shook my hand and said thank you for being faithful to my brother who’s fighting. He went ahead and mocked his past actions and kissed my hand. I didn’t bother doing anything but rolling my eyes and laughing. He knew I wasn’t interested. He walked away and I smiled at the gesture and thought that he was happy by my faithfulness to my man. He didn’t know me. He grinned over his shoulder at me. I waved, shaking my head.

Closing the pharmacy, I rubbed the back of my neck and a younger man came up to me asking about pain relievers. I was tired and off the clock, but it was my job to help. I walked him back to the aisle. He smiled at me, most girls would fawn and blush but I pointed and told the man which was the most popular. He turned and started flirting with me. It was subtle but all girls would feel it and notice… he was smooth and he knew it. I excused myself, telling him I had shopping to do. He smiled, pullin out his wallet and showed me his ID. Military. He grinned wider, shook my hand and walked away towards the door.

i shrugged it off, having worked a fourteen hour shift and not giving a damn about anything but getting home and sleeping after a late dinner. I reached to the top shelf to grab something, knowing it was probably going to fall. A hand rested on my back, where my bare skin had shown. I turned and backed away, wide awake. A tall, dark man I would have to admit was fairly good looking handed me item, giving me a sinful smile. I felt naked and uncomfortable. He rested his hand down my arm and looked into my eyes. This was too much. I backed away from him. I looked at him and shook my head. I started to yell at him “I am taken don’t -“ he nodded, putting his hand out. The man from the medicine aisle came around the corner. The man I had helped and looked about 35 came around the corner. I looked at all of them and shook my head. I said “don’t touch me or I’ll scream”.

The man reached out his hand to me. I did not take his hand, I don’t care if he kissed it earlier. I felt like a target…. this man planned this and I didn’t feel like playing anymore. He said “we wanted to test how loyal you were to your sailor. I got two of the most attractive men I know that easily get women in their bed and wanted to test it. I knew you would pass, but I had a gift that I wanted to make sure you deserved since you love one of our own. You are under financial request within us three men can do for you, starting with your groceries.” The men pulled out their cards of who they were and their ranks were impressive. I had gained favor of military commanders for being loyal, for being rude and mean to prove my loyalty….. the other two men took my groceries and my list and left me with the older man.

I wish this were a dream, but I have three new contacts in my phone. I feel somewhat uncomfortable having them, my man thinks it’s amazing of how everything happened-that it’s funny. He knows I worry about money a lot even when I don’t need to. He’s pushed me to call the men everytime I go shopping. My bank account has grown in the last two weeks like crazy and I’m not sure what to do…..

Be loyal!!!!!

Not My Place

Death was our first big conversation if you remember or had read my other posts… well, it will be coming up again soon and I am terrified. His great grandma is so close to deaths door and I don’t know what I am supposed to do. As his girl, I know I am here to help him through this and support his family, but it is a hard thing to do. He’s deployed in a completely different part of the world and his family is in a different state. I’m not sure what all my words can do to comfort. I feel that they will mean close to nothing. I love his family and know how crushing this will be. I hate watching already what it does to his mother, I am super close to her. He does not yet how close she is to passing and I am terrified for when he finds out. I want to call the chaplain after it happens to make sure they check up on him, but I don’t want to give him unwanted attention.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I’ve never been in this position before.

His mom updates me often on his great grandmas health and I can tell it is right around the corner if not today. His mom seems so strong, but I can tell she is scared and fights tears a lot. Her husband is really supportive for which I am grateful. Her husband is a good man, but I wish I were there for the family too.

My sailor should know what’s going on completely with his great grandma…. but it’s not my place.

Our Real World

Work was really good today. I had fun. My coworkers and I got a lot of work done today and may have been able to nick some stuff off of tomorrows work. We all worked with awesome, classic rock music. We all didn’t mind humming along and still running around to get the job done. We made phone calls and took care of our customers. We did really good today.

The store gave all the workers free food. I took some and had to leave to go back to work. I am not allowed to eat on the floor but wanted that cookie. A vendor nearby had the same color shirt I was wearing and I walked up next to him. I asked plain and simple if I could use him to hide from the store owners. He laughed and was my watch out. I had never seen the guy before and wasn’t near him for more than three minutes. He did a good job, I finished my cookie without getting in trouble.

It was a good day.

Went shopping for the coming week, ya know. Got some breakfast food. I got some bacon! I got random things. Got ready to go catch the bus to go home. Got on. I was warm. No one talked to me. I had all my things gathered and I was ready to go.

But the bus wasn’t moving. Something was wrong.

A guy a seat ahead of me and the other side was rummaging through his bag and a girl behind me was crying, her hand covering her mouth. I honestly didn’t get what was going on at first. The bus driver didn’t get out from behind his bullet-proof door attached to his seat and then used the intercom.

“Weapons are illegal on this form of transportation. You need to get off or the police will be here to escort you off.”

Seeing the flash of the handgun into his bag as he started screaming, I thought of all the things I wouldn’t get to do with my family. How I didn’t get the chance to tell them I loved them an hour ago. How I didn’t get to really go swimming this summer and get a stupid sunburn because I stupidly didn’t put enough sunscreen on. I thought about my boyfriend. He writes me an email almost every day and expects one back. I wouldn’t be able to and he would probably hear from his mother. I thought about his mom and how close we have gotten.

In the past week, there have been five more shootings. I didn’t want to be apart of those numbers. Please God, don’t make me that number. I started praying, tears rolling down my face. I don’t want to die.

The fight continued until the man got off.

I made it home and I am safe. All of this happened and the thing taught me something very sad. My boyfriend is out there, somewhere only God knows, to save us from the bad guys. YET we have no regrets being the bad guys to each other. This scares me almost more than knowing what my sailor does.

I was once told by a shipmate of my man’s…. “we are safer being deployed than you are as a civilian on the streets these days”. I brushed it off until today.

 

 

PLEASE STOP THE HATE AND LOWER THOSE NUMBERS

WHATEVER IT IS THAT MAKES YOU OR YOUR FRIEND WANT TO DO THIS, PLEASE DON’T. PLEASE STOP AND THINK ABOUT FAMILY, YOURS AND EVERYONE ELSES. 

PLEASE HELP BE THE CHANGE EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT. 

 

 

 

A Sit Down

You ever think that some topics are just too much to talk about? Even with the person you need to talk about it with the most. Let me put you mind at ease and say that everyone feels this way and I wrote it like this just to start off a good post. I did good, didn’t I?

I was laying down next to the man I love dearly and thinking about all the things in life. I have a habit of always thinking about heavy stuff when I’m cuddling close to someone. His arm wrapped around my waist, grossly breathing on the back of my neck in a semi cute way and just knowing that he loved me too. It was nice.

But me being me and thinking too far and too much. I started to cry. Before I get completely detailed into this, I want to blurt something out. I am terrified by the idea of marriage. It may sound weird coming from a female, but I am. Carrying on. I was crying and naturally, he tried turning me to face him, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to walk away and deal with my emotions alone. Thing is, in a relationship, you have to let the other person be there for you. Him and I both are guilty of trying to deal with problems on our own until they get to be too much and then we go to each other. It is a short fight and then stuff is fixed fast. His being here, with me, he didn’t let me go. Which is the majority off why I wanted to write this post. That fucking brat and what he did.

He freaking sat on me. He’s half naked and pinning me down. I’m angry at this point because I just want to be left alone. I’m yelling at him and trying to push him off me. I am pretty sure he was having a blast. He was laughing the whole time. He held my hands and pinned my feet in some weird ass way. I have no idea how. We were on the bed, until I flipped us off and managed to pin him on floor. It overall was really fun. He, in the middle of the whole thing, kept licking my face. It was gross. When he finally stopped licking my face, he asked what made me cry. I asked (again) for him to let me up and he didn’t.  He asked again.

I told him that I was afraid that he was going to leave for deployment and come back and not want me as his forever. That he wouldn’t love me. A bunch of other fears. The same fears he and I have addressed multiple times before and I’ve gotten over multiple times, but it was still scary for me. He got off, not enough for me to run off though. He listened to me talk and I started to cry again. He listened and wiped my tears.

Then I got sick because I worked myself up so much.

While I was in the bathroom, being super sexy (major sarcasm here) and throwing up, he pulled my hair up and rubbed my back. He told me it would be okay. When I was okay, he cupped my face, all hallmark. He told me that he was going to wait until he came home to talk to me about it in case I changed my mind about us, but since I got so worked up… I seemed okay. He had been thinking of marrying me once he got shore duty. I was super confused. When in the hell would he get shore duty? His contract was up in a few years.

His ass…. He signed again. Another four years. I know at least of those four, I don’t know if he signed for more than that. I have a gut feeling that he signed for more than those four years. He sat on the sink counter as I sat on the floor trying to take this in and understand all of it. I don’t know why it was hard to understand. It was only a few facts in the conversation. He wanted to marry me when his first contract was up. He signed again. He may have signed for more than four years. Those were the facts. But then why was it so hard to grasp?

Going back to my fear of marriage. I am not afraid of commitment, nope, I want my dude to be mine. I want him to be old and grey haired on a rocking chair next to me one day. I want that. I’m not going to tell him that now, but that’s what I want. I’ve hinted at it once or twice, but never told him outright. Maybe I should’ve or maybe I should now. I don’t know. My fear is that one day he may change his mind. I don’t tell him this either. I don’t tell him because in my head, I think that it might give it a stronger possibility. I know, logically, that’s not possibly, but that’s my thinking. I have horrible anxiety.

He’s brought up marriage before. That was interesting and honestly scary and exciting. I kept asking a million questions, which I think resulted in freaking him out. I’m not going to bother going into that story.

I love that man.

Crash Landing Dreams

Waking up in the middle of the night….

In tears, in a cold sweat, shaking….

You are so scared that you think you forget what happen, but the moment you think you did, it all  comes rushing back. That’s when all that you hope for is that you didn’t scream and that your family or neighbors didn’t know what happened. You cover your mouth and hope that you can compose yourself enough to calm down. It’s three am and you know you have work in the morning. You know you have to get back to sleep.

And after a few minutes, it is okay again. Your heart is not in your throat and your eyes aren’t flooding anymore. The only problem is that you still remember the dreams. How can you forget them? Not those kinds.

I dream a lot. I remember a lot of them. I’m lucky that I usually have good ones. Usually pretty dorky ones. Ones with my family or with animals or with my sailor. I usually have some great ones. Those ones I can wake up and smile and know that it can be real someday.

But it’s the other dreams, the evil ones, that no one likes to talk about that I have too. Everyone has them. They show in our sleep as a version of our deepest fear in the worse way and we can’t escape unless we wake up. What’s even worse is sometimes is that you can’t wake up. This happens to me often. Since this is a blog about being the military/Navy girlfriend…. Those are the dreams I’ll talk about.

I dream his ship will wreck.

I dream a major accident will happen.

I dream that the “small” disagreements will kill him.

I dream that he’s home and tries to save someone, getting hurt in the process.

I dream that he dies and doesn’t have enough air to tell me that he loves me.

Above all…. The worse one I have isn’t the one watching him die, it’s what happens after. Sitting in a black dress, black flats, numb to the core because I’m dead inside with him. I am sitting with his family, my family is sitting behind me. Some military man hands his stepfather the folded flag as his mother clings to me. Her baby is dead.

People say our relationship is Hollywood. That there is nothing imperfect about it. I don’t know about the other SOs, but this happens to me. I would say this is an imperfection. I assume it comes with the territory, but I’m just guessing. Being a military girlfriend/SO, we are held to a certain image. Some of us don’t know it, at least not at first. No one can explain that image to you, you just pick it up as you get further into the relationship. For me, I’ve noticed that other civis (civilians) expect me to be this super strong, bad ass woman. Sure, I can be, but the expectation is to be that all the time. That’s what it feels like. I’ve also noticed that since people learn my relationship status, they come to me for relationship advice. I’m not sure how this plays into it, but I feel it does. Like, she’s got the hardest relationship ever, she can help with my no job-cheating partner. Honey, all I’m going to tell you is to leave the bastard. I don’t care if you think you love him. He cheated on you. When I cry because I miss him (which isn’t often actually), they tell me it’s okay and then to stop. It’s okay to cry, but I can’t cry at the same time. When I asked about it once, the response shocked me. The girl asked, “Well, you knew he would leave or whatever right? You shouldn’t cry about something you knew was going to happen”. I got up and left before I ripped her hair out or something that might have sent me to jail. I have an image, we all have an image.

I love him and will always love him no matter what.

Hooyah

Unreasonable, Maybe

As I’ve mentioned before, I have a goal. I have many goals, but one in particular that has come to me since my man has left for deployment.

“I’m going to look better than you when I come home.” The brat says. Okay then, I accept that challenge. I know he may not have meant it as a challenge, but I sure as hell took it as one.

I got a gym membership and changed my eating habits slightly. I have started taking the stairs at school. I hate doing this. I hate being “healthy”, even though I’m going into the medical field. BUT I must beat him at his challenge.

In the military, there are physical tests that each member must do. How often, I am not a 100% sure. I’ll get back to you on that. With these tests, the military has certain standards that the members have to meet. Every time my dude has done the test or a mock test, he’s hit the excellent mark. I’m proud. Now, looking at my goal… I’m nervous, but still proud.

I have looked at the male 20-24 standards of the Navy and decided that I will base my workout and everything else on that. I will win this competition. I have already gotten May’s status on his numbers and know where I need to get as of now.  I know he is busy and will be tired, but will try to make time to exercise nonetheless.

I know I probably shouldn’t weigh myself every week, as that might make me down on myself, but I do. I have lost some weight, yay me. As of the last two weeks however, I have stayed the same. Exactly the same. While at the gym though, I am beginning to be able to push myself harder with heavier weights and for a longer amount of time. It takes more for me to be sore, so I add more on and then I feel like crap and can barely walk or lift my arms. I just tell myself over and over again that I will beat his numbers when he comes home.

I just hope that I can. I know it is probably an unrealistic goal. I am going to try anyways. Wish me luck you guys.