Trying Something New

We had a decently known poet come into our school, play his autobiography movie for us, read one of his own works. It made for an interesting English class. I liked the man, I have to say, for someone who has never been a friend to poetry, I liked the man.

Epic, haiku, ballad, etc etc etc…. None of which I felt I could be successful with.

Rhythm and sounds and syllables all counted into one piece of a type of beautifully written work of art. If only I was that smart.

To make my first sound alike feels impressive even to me. Only more I wish I could possibly see.

Maybe only guessing and hope of a checkmark or smile of approval, wishful thinking upon this. I’m so used to hitting the miss.

Perhaps it’s not that bad after all. Only when your mind goes blank and it seems to crumble and fall. That’s when you know you’ve given it you’re all.

How songwriters and wordsmiths make it seem easy and light. I can only stumble from all of my effort of constant might.

A sudden ability to make this is surprising and fun. It might as well be the coffee or tea that I drink in the morning sun.

 

Perhaps meeting a poet I have honestly never heard of before has changed my view on things. I never wanted to try on my own free time. Only as a challenge did I decide to try again and see if it would work. Maybe my English teacher will be proud of me. Maybe she’ll never see and only have a sense I’ve done something great. Another attempt at something new.

 

Hell Yes

I am finished!

I’m done. Here I am summer. I am good to go.

I am sitting here, waiting to have the weather be good enough to go swimming. I am a mermaid. I can not wait. I have a two piece for the first time in my life and I feel comfortable wearing it in public. It’s a black halter top and hot pink shorts. I have to admit that I feel absolutely sexy in them. I don’t wear them to get other guys attention, I couldn’t care less. I wear it because I deserve to feel sexy whenever the hell I want. I deserve it everyday.

Sorry, I feel beyond successful today. I finished another year of schooling and this is something I should be proud of. I am one more day closer to working in the hospital.

I had a dream about it the other day. I was in the emergency room, a guy bleeding pretty bad and I stopped it. We almost lost him, but we all saved him. I woke up, my chest beating so hard, but I was excited. I watch so medical shows. I watch surgeries while I cook or listen to medical lectures while I clean.

I went to the public city library today and sat on the floor with books around me. I was in heaven. So many books! Heaven! All I could think was that I hoped this was how I could get in the hospital quickest. I want it so bad.

I finished another year.

I can’t wait to tell him when I get home. I’m going to ask for him to call me. I hope he will. I really hope. I’ll be praying. I miss his voice.

Scary Truth

The real truth is, we try to control our for a lot of situations. He’s on deployment. He says he’s fine. He says he’s getting enough sleep. He even says he’s having fun. But for me at least, I always wonder if he’s just telling me that because he knows I’m worrying. I wonder if he tells me to try and give me some comfort. He tells his mom he’s seeing so many things and etc, I know he’s not close to land right now. He just sees water.

I have a great friend that I grew up with who is married to a cranky but funny marine. I love picking on the dude, probably why he’s cranky around me. She knows what it’s like and she and I talk all the time. We share the same worry of the current situation. Personal, I don’t feel comfortable saying that worry, but it is a worry nonetheless. She and I grew up together and mostly through the NJROTC program I’ve mentioned a few times. She was the more badass at it than me but we loved it. She was and is my sister through everything. Back then it was a school program and now it is the common thread of being in a military relationship.

But the scary truth is the answer to many questions… I don’t know. I know that this life comes with many uncertainties and I’ve grown to accept it, but with deployment- it becomes a strong fear. Not an easy one to handle, but one I handle every day and do it well.

After all, I’m writing a blog about this. It’s one way to handle things. It’s basically a journal. Sharing fears, dreams, amusements, laughs, memories and everything in between that would show this life decently.

To Excel Upward

I want to be honest about something.

Taking a deep breath. *Inhale, exhale*

I use my relationship to write my school papers. HAHAHA

I can’t tell you how many times my teachers will give me such feedback of “Oh, interesting to know that” or “Nice understanding that”. I love my man, I love my relationship. My relationship helps me with school. It has got to be the weirdest thing I have ever said. Definitely a good thing. All good relationships are supposed to help you grow in these kinds of areas in your life. No one ever says how though. Like in sociology, we were writing about groups. I wrote about being the out-group of society due to my relationship status versus everyone else and then being the in-group with all the other SO’s. My teacher was sooooo impressed with it. She didn’t even know there was support groups online for the girlfriends. Hell yea there are. There best be or I’d lost my freaking mind.

Not about papers, but class discussions. The teachers that know I’m in my relationship will sometimes ask me before class if it’s okay to call on me and talk about how I feel or what happens sometimes. I am considered an out-group, so is he. The military, according to sociology, is it’s own institution and in a way it’s own culture. Think about it for a minute and you’ll realize it’s real. Sociology thrives on my relationship. My English class loves my writings. My chemistry teacher will ask on and off what bombs the ship works with. I never answer as I truthfully don’t know. I just know they are big. My medical terminology teacher asked if all recruits know some sort of first aid. From what he’s told me, the answer is yes. I think that’s smart.

I realize that this may make me seem like an asshole and I’m okay with that. I like teaching others about my relationship. It brings awareness to what we go through. The hardships that no one brings to light or acknowledges. I like when people want to truly understand what goes on in other relationships in the world outside of what they know. I like open-minded people.