Okay, looking sideways

I have always liked to think that I am open minded and look at things pretty well from many points of views. I can easily say that at 20 years old, I don’t look at the world from a 9 year old’s view.

After a rough day at the pharmacy, my family is great about try to help me chill out or relax. This time, it was my 9yo cousin. Such a sweet, sassy little woman who wanted to paint nails. I am NOT the type who wears nail polish because I know it will stay for maybe two days and then look like trash. But…. It made her happy and I wanted to relax with my family. Nail polish it was.

She was always interested in what had happened at work with me. Asking if there were any crazy or mean people. If I had sassed my boss that day. If I had made any stupid mistakes. A small way to gossip about my day and she enjoyed it as I vented.

“How long have you been dating Amante?” (If you haven’t caught on by now, this is what I call my sailor in my blog). She had asked. I had no idea why she was interested in my relationship, but I decided to humor the conversation. A nine year old couldn’t go very far with it, I figure. 

“Two years ish.” I smile, starting our second coat of paint on our nails. I hated that she decided I would wear pink polish. I was not a pink person. I was plain and liked blue or grey.

“Why hasn’t he proposed to you yet? Is he stupid or just slow?” She asked, not smiling as if it were a joke. I could feel my mouth drop. I was completely wrong. She took it farther than I expected.

“Well, it’s just not a good time for either of us.” I try to work my way around her. I know she’s smart and am now worried she will find a way to corner me.

“Why can’t you see him more? I like him.” She looked up at me sad, leaning against the bathroom wall as we sit on the floor.

“Because he is in the military. He has a job to do with them and it’s up to them when he can go places. And I like him too.” I smile back at her.

“That sucks. It’s fifty fifty. It’s good that he’s serving our country, but bad that they won’t let him go home much. It’s stupid. Still good he’s doing his job.” She went back to painting on glitter. Her nails looked like a total mess, but to a kid, they were beautiful. I would tell her the same and then try to help her a bit.

 

Talking and listening to a 9 year old, I realized that maybe I haven’t been as grateful as I can be. As I should be. I don’t want to cut myself down and feel guilty for not so far, but it is definitely a thought I’ve bee having lately.

I love him. I love my sailor as he’s back out on underway.

Hooyah

Hey Guys, I’m back

I am so sorry for not updating and writing lately.

I have been starting a new semester and working more. I have just started getting a little more time and I’ll be able to write more.

I love coming back and seeing how many more followers I have and votes on my other posts. I really appreciate it.

 

Alright, so being a SO! Still a good life.

Today was a bit hard though. I woke up and I was wanting so much to wake up next to him. I wanted so bad to have to wake up in the middle of the night and shove him so I can have room on the bed too. I wanted so bad to wake up and his hand running through my hair, him calling me beautiful. I miss him. I crave him. I crave his love and kisses.

It was only last month that he was here on leave, but it was still too long ago. I got to have him for a whole week. The time before was only two and a half days. I am so lucky for this time. So lucky.

I want to be greedy though. I laugh at the comment in my head, but it’s true. I know a lot of other SOs can probably nod and say they understand. Followed by a heavy sigh, right? Yup, that’s how that small internal conversation goes.

He also got to meet all of my family in this city. It was… interesting as his quiet self was being questioned and being around a bunch of loud people of my blood. It was great though.

Marriage was talked again when he was here. The same night I found out he was set for another deployment. Talk about a broken heart. Being strong in this life is sometimes hard. Sometimes it’s impossible. This was one of those times it was beyond impossible. He just got home from deployment. I just got him back.

FUCK YOU NAVY!!!!

They are always taking him. It wasn’t until I had to say “See ya later” that I realized how much I hated airplanes. Not fear, hate. Absolute anger, resentment and pure hate. Airplanes were the machinery that took him from me. And maybe that’s stupid to be angry about….. But in my opinion, it’s probably better to be angry at a stupid airplane than the thing mi Amante (my lover) has vowed his life to.

But hey….

What’s love? Choosing to be with someone through all the shit and flowers.

I love him. I choose all his shit and flowers. I just prefer the flowers in his life.

A real scary possibility

Just like how we all have nightmares, some come true. Some don’t.

I would hear how service members would come back home with PTSD and scream in the middle of the night, reaching for a gun to protect themselves from the memories that haunt them.

I have never encountered this before though.

Many times, have I talked to a shipmate of my man, listening to how he tries to ignore those dreams and memories. He had been deployed before and currently on this deployment with my guy. He refused to tell his wife, in fear that she would go to someone and report it. This sometimes forces these servicemembers out of the military. That was a fear of his. How did he keep it from her when they shared the same bed? He had gained enough control somehow to wake up silently. She never knew he never slept through the night. She still doesn’t.

“What if you come home with PTSD?” I had asked my sailor. I know it’s a real possibility. I wanted to know how he wanted me to handle it if it did come home.

“Just be with me, I guess. I think I’ll be fine.” Says every military member ever, including mine.

Trusting that no matter what happened, I knew we would be okay. We are always okay. We have honestly become dependent on each other emotionally and spiritually. We must be okay.

But only one phone call. A few words make that small fear and question come back to mind. What if he comes home with PTSD? What am I supposed to do to help him? I have never needed to ask myself this.

He laughed as he told me he saw the pilots from his ship blow up a suicide bomber go for one of the US’s tanks. Saying “He should’ve been faster”…. “It was like a movie”… “All the guys were cheering in the victory we had”….. “It was funny”.

Of watching something blow up, of killing people.

I have only been scared of him one other time. He was pissed. He was seriously angry out of the need to protect when I told him I had been abused as a child. His face over the camera turned to someone I barely knew and it was like he packed his emotions to the side to become a killer the military raised him to be someday. I told him I had to go and he was begging me to stay. I was scared and didn’t know how to deal with him angry. He has never gotten angry with me. Frustrated, of course, but never to the point I was afraid.

He wanted to murder the man who had hurt me as a child. I couldn’t blame him for his angry, I just didn’t know what to do with it.

But now, he’s laughing. He’s not angry or pissed or even upset. He’s simply amused by the death of a person that could’ve killed a ton of our warriors.

His shipmate said he was the same way on his deployment before returning home with PTSD and now he is mentally destroyed from it.

 

As a nursing student…. As a person who would die to save someone else…. As a person who has chosen to study to save and life people…. As someone who wants to go through pain and a long recovery to donate bone marrow….

This is a hard thing for me to accept.

I have accepted the distance. I have accepted the lack of communication. I have accepted not hearing his voice for months. I have accepted that I don’t know where he is or what he’s doing. I have accepted that I don’t know when he’s coming home. I have accepted a lot and am ready to accept a lot more in this life. I have accepted him and his world.

But this is something I struggle to accept. I don’t know how to accept it.

I know long story short, it’s continuing to give me and my family our freedom. But I am conflicted as to how to really feel. My job is going to save lives (or try) and his job is to take them in the name of our country.

We both knew what his job entailed. That the possibility of his bombs (“His babies”) would create damage. We never talked in-depth about it. He knew, I knew it would cause me to have conflictions. I won’t leave him for it. I love him. I couldn’t leave him.

I just don’t know what to think. Or expect when he comes home.

Motherly Advice

His mom.

Let me start with the fact that I love this woman and sometimes my sailor believes with all his heart that she likes me more than him. He jokes that I have replaced him with his mother.

I love being able to call her at six in the morning and even though she’s still working on her first cup of coffee, she is still happy to hear from me. Or ten at night, exhausted from the day and still smiles when my number pops up on her screen.

This time though, I lettttt her savor her coffee and called at seven thirty. I missed her voice and happy sound. She lives a few states away from me.

Having her pick up the phone, I prepare myself for whatever reply I get about my situation. I wanted to talk to her about my sister. She sounded happy to hear from me.

Finishing telling her what was going on and the possibility of a change in future plans, she sighed and gave me a decent reply. One that gave me comfort and support, but I knew she was a little worried too.

My man (her son), didn’t know where he stood on supporting or liking the idea. He was hesitant to even talk further of it, but tried talking me out of doing it since I haven’t finished school yet. He was smart and trying to think about our future. Which I find adorable, but this is a big deal. I prayed and prayed that he would support me, be there for me. I don’t want his money, just kind and encouraging words.

Telling all her this and how we had both agreed to wait on children of our own, I could imagine her dancing inside from hearing her son wanted to have kids. She had brought it up with me before and I pushed her to not think like that. Not ready for that.

She said that I needed to calm down and just wait to see what happens. To not jump to thinking it was already happening. Saying that she hoped that if it did happen that my man would support me and stay with me, as she loved me and didn’t want to see me leave. Saying that she wouldn’t want her son with anyone else.

I love this woman and her support through everything.

 

 

 

 

Only More Confusion

In the bathroom, when he was with me…. He seemed hesitate at first to tell me he wanted to marry me in the future. As he continued to talk, he got excited and even had the look of a child in a candy shop. The famous comparison of happiness and awe. It was mutual that we wanted and needed to wait. This was our future and something not to just toss the dice at, for our thoughts at least. Maybe we are crazy or paranoid. I don’t know. I think it’s rather smart. Wanting to wait until I have my degree and him wanting to wait until…. whatever he has in mind. I don’t think he’s made up his mind yet. He’s already signed the extension. I know in his heart he wants to make a career out of the Navy and I support him. I know this is what he wants, but I think he is now uncertain because I am now a part of the equation. I love him, but he’s dumb sometimes.

 

I wish I knew what happened to the candy shop love of marriage. Or the thought of it, at least. My only theory is that he has set off again on the second part of the deployment today and/or other people’s conversations may be influencing the thoughts. I wish I knew.

“It’s not going to change anything. It’s just a piece of paper. It’s only legal and about money.”

He never once brought up the issue or thoughts of money. It was never spoken. My reasoning behind wanting to wait is two simple reason. One, I want to be with my husband as much as possible and in the same state. Two, I want my degree through non martial finical aid and then being able to help support us. I was already thinking of this but refused to speak on it. His 27k a year (which he doesn’t know I know) and my part time 10k a year would be hard to live off of in a new house and a new car. He has dreams of all these things and no thinking of starting small. Dumbass. So, having a degree would make it a little easier.

 

After waiting and crying for many many nights and struggle to focus in school. Lord help me. I got my answers. And let me start with they are dumb.

He wants to be able to provide for me, wants to be able to support us in a legal way.

He wants to give me a big house with a yard that could hold the two dogs I beg him for our future. And that would accommodate the children we’ve been talking about as a possibility.

He wants to give me materialistic happiness.

I am happy with a studio as long as I get to be with him and get my job. Preferably get my dog or two. Children will come and he needs to stop worrying if the Navy will take away from our life. It won’t. I’ve already thought of all this.

Videos and pictures. I watch all his videos when I’m down or miss him until I feel better and can keep going. When we have children, we can make videos like that. We can have pictures meant for certain things. I’ve thought of these things. I know how to make this work. I wish he would trust me a little more.

 

I already have my maid of honor since I was 14. My cousin has already started her speech and I want her to give me away. We have a family wedding gown… I’ve already tried it on and only my cousin has seen me in it. Maybe I’m biased, but I look great in it.

I am ready to be with him forever. I love him.

 

Maybe Next Time

Well, so far, deployment is going okay. My anxiety with life is high and I don’t know what I’m always going to do. I’ve been staying and that helps a lot. Writing this and reading a  lot of books and working more shifts definitely keeps me so busy that I’m sometimes too tired to be worried about anything. I know this also isn’t a good thing though. It will probably end up with me burning out sooner or later. But after doing this for about a month so far, I haven’t. I think I’m doing better. I feel better. I feel like I’m managing my emotions and etc much better.

But the thing that made my weekend was when he pulled into port and I got a text and picture of him smiling so big at me. I hadn’t seen his smile in a new picture in months. I woke up to that and I honestly squealed and just looked. This made my heart race. A schoolgirl all over again.

We texted until four in the morning (my time) and just talked about random things. Things about the past. About when he visited. About what we would have to do together in the future. About our families. About work on both ends. About a lot. This made me happy, I am happy.

Until I woke up one day three that I thought he would be able to talk.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I had to leave. I’m sorry we didn’t talk more. I’m sorry that we didn’t get the chance to video chat. I’m sorry that I had to leave you. I promise I’ll come home to you. I’m sorry. I love you. I’m sorry.”

Waking up to that both made my heart grow for the man and broke it at the same time. I know he would come to me. I know he didn’t like leaving for the job, I didn’t like it either, but I had learned to quietly gain the strength to push past that.

Going in to work today, I fought to stay numb until I could really smile. I fought to stay numb until I had a conversation that had me distracted enough to not think about it. I am grateful for the time I had to talk with him while he was in port. I am grateful that I got new pictures.

I am also greedy and want him more than I got.

Until next time.

Yes, next time.

 

Our Real World

Work was really good today. I had fun. My coworkers and I got a lot of work done today and may have been able to nick some stuff off of tomorrows work. We all worked with awesome, classic rock music. We all didn’t mind humming along and still running around to get the job done. We made phone calls and took care of our customers. We did really good today.

The store gave all the workers free food. I took some and had to leave to go back to work. I am not allowed to eat on the floor but wanted that cookie. A vendor nearby had the same color shirt I was wearing and I walked up next to him. I asked plain and simple if I could use him to hide from the store owners. He laughed and was my watch out. I had never seen the guy before and wasn’t near him for more than three minutes. He did a good job, I finished my cookie without getting in trouble.

It was a good day.

Went shopping for the coming week, ya know. Got some breakfast food. I got some bacon! I got random things. Got ready to go catch the bus to go home. Got on. I was warm. No one talked to me. I had all my things gathered and I was ready to go.

But the bus wasn’t moving. Something was wrong.

A guy a seat ahead of me and the other side was rummaging through his bag and a girl behind me was crying, her hand covering her mouth. I honestly didn’t get what was going on at first. The bus driver didn’t get out from behind his bullet-proof door attached to his seat and then used the intercom.

“Weapons are illegal on this form of transportation. You need to get off or the police will be here to escort you off.”

Seeing the flash of the handgun into his bag as he started screaming, I thought of all the things I wouldn’t get to do with my family. How I didn’t get the chance to tell them I loved them an hour ago. How I didn’t get to really go swimming this summer and get a stupid sunburn because I stupidly didn’t put enough sunscreen on. I thought about my boyfriend. He writes me an email almost every day and expects one back. I wouldn’t be able to and he would probably hear from his mother. I thought about his mom and how close we have gotten.

In the past week, there have been five more shootings. I didn’t want to be apart of those numbers. Please God, don’t make me that number. I started praying, tears rolling down my face. I don’t want to die.

The fight continued until the man got off.

I made it home and I am safe. All of this happened and the thing taught me something very sad. My boyfriend is out there, somewhere only God knows, to save us from the bad guys. YET we have no regrets being the bad guys to each other. This scares me almost more than knowing what my sailor does.

I was once told by a shipmate of my man’s…. “we are safer being deployed than you are as a civilian on the streets these days”. I brushed it off until today.

 

 

PLEASE STOP THE HATE AND LOWER THOSE NUMBERS

WHATEVER IT IS THAT MAKES YOU OR YOUR FRIEND WANT TO DO THIS, PLEASE DON’T. PLEASE STOP AND THINK ABOUT FAMILY, YOURS AND EVERYONE ELSES. 

PLEASE HELP BE THE CHANGE EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT.